Muslim Life Hackers

Soumaya Najjarin: Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce

• Mifrah Mahroof • Episode 7

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In this episode, Soumaya Najjarin, CEO of New Beginnings, shares her personal journey through divorce, the motivations behind starting New Beginnings, and the challenges faced by divorced individuals in the Muslim community. Soumaya offers practical advice and insights on rebuilding one's life post-divorce, emphasizing courage and resilience.

Timestamps:
05:22 Islamic Perspective on Divorce
09:43 Stages of Divorce and Healing
17:16 Rediscovering Identity and Purpose
29:11 Learning from Conflicts and Moving On
29:31 The Unique Challenges of Divorce
30:03 Islamic Teachings in Divorce Healing
30:38 Personal Growth and Resilience
33:24 The Reality of Post-Divorce Life
35:09 Practical Steps for Healing
38:26 The Importance of Networks and Resources

About Soumaya:
Soumaya is the Founding Director of New Beginnings Australia, a not-for-profit organisation that aims to provide divorce support and healing to Muslims facing the challenges of divorce. She also works in the policy and projects space in the NSW Government and is responsible for the design of strategic policy and government projects.

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🏖️ This episode is sponsored by Sisters Explore, a company I founded to offer guided small-group travel for Muslim women to connect, explore, and enjoy faith-centered journeys. Learn more at http://www.sisters-explore.com

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Soumaya Najjarin:

You need to identify your parameters. You're not going to have the answer to everything in the beginning. And it's okay not to have the answer to everything.

Mifrah Mahroof:

As-salamu alaykum and welcome to the Muslim Life Hackers podcast. I'm your host Mifrah Mahroof and this is the podcast where we get better every day. Through conversations with experts, leaders, and inspiring individuals. We're going to give you actionable insights to help you win in this life and the next. So if you're ready to level up in every area of your life and you committed to living with excellence for the sake of your Lord. You're in the right place. Get ready for insights, inspiration, and a whole lot of life hacks. This is a Muslim Life Hackers podcast. Let's dive in. As-salamu alaykum Soumaya, welcome to the show.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Wa ʿalaykumu s-salām, Thank you for having me.

Mifrah Mahroof:

First of all, I'm going to start off with getting an introduction and tell me about yourself and what you do.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Sure. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. my name is Soumaya. I am the founding director and CEO of New Beginnings, a not for profit startup organization that provides support and guidance to Australian Muslims navigating divorce. It's a new project that InshaAllah will inspire hope and healing in a spiritual and culturally appropriate way to Australian Muslims and it speaks to the core of an issue that has been sleeping in the Muslim community, but very much still alive. So I hope to add value, InshaAllah, and contribute. In the real world, though, in the other world, I'm also a Senior Policy and Projects Lead on government projects at the moment. I'm also a mother to beautiful children. And most importantly, I am a faithful servant of Allah. Masha Allah,

Mifrah Mahroof:

that's really nice to hear. So I'm really curious to know what was the story behind New Beginnings, especially starting something in a space such as divorce, and it can be taboo in many communities, and what was the motivation behind that?

Soumaya Najjarin:

The starting point for many wonderful initiatives, Mifrah, is usually a point of struggle or adversity of some sort in life. And the story of New Beginnings is no different. It started with my own divorce and New Beginnings started when my life crumbled. So I sought the kind of reassurance and support from community, loved ones, family, from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and I was getting that, but there was something else that was missing, and there was a pain that wouldn't subside, subhanAllah. And it was really difficult to unpack and explain at that time, that the du'a, the salat, the constant, check ins by friends and families. However, I still felt an emptiness. So I went out searching for any kind of divorce support I could latch onto, in the Muslim space. And my search returned nothing in Australia. And no matter how many articles, self help, motivational reels on Instagram I divulged and devoured, nothing seemed to fill that gap and then SubhanAllah, I found a divorce support recovery program, led by a Christian church, very much Christ focused and Christ centred and at that point in my life, I said that'll do. So I signed up and for 12 weeks I sat in the living room of a pastor's home with 12 other people and heard their stories, listened to Bible stories. The penny dropped for me, subhanAllah, when I walked in and I saw that there were other Muslims who had joined this program.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Wow.

Soumaya Najjarin:

And it was at that point, SubhanAllah, that I sat down as I was listening to these stories and I thought, why doesn't a service like that exist in the Muslim community?

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Soumaya Najjarin:

I'm articulate, I have a bit of education, I've got some experience in community, why can't we do that? I'm going to do this. This is what I said to myself while I was in the middle of this healing circle, right? This opportunity to be healed by Christ and listen to these stories. I was thinking, how do I turn this into a Muslim support program? So week after week, SubhanAllah, I attended and I took notes. The healing journey became a new healing journey, but it also opened up an opportunity. So I've set myself on this new path, SubhanAllah, and I decided at that point that since it didn't exist in the Muslim community that I would be comfortable enough to lead it. And New Beginnings was then born. The concept was born.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm. There's So, much to unpack from that. I mean, like one of the things that comes to mind for me is a lot of things that we put out to the world can be as a result of our own struggles. And I guess the good thing about looking at it that way, or at least using your struggles to build something new. We know our struggles very well, so we know that problem work very well. It's not distant to us. There's much more empathy when we're helping people in a similar situation because we've been in that situation.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Yeah, absolutely. But it's also, another thing is it's addressing the elephant in the room directly. We're not strangers to the idea of stereotype and taboo. Right? By default, as Muslims, we're subjected to many stereotypes. As Muslims, it's part of our identity living in a Western country. And the concept of taboo and shame is indiscriminate. It doesn't discriminate. And within that divorce space, I understand that it's a tough topic to talk about. But it's also a very Islamic topic, it's a topic that is grounded in Islamic history. Divorce is not a foreign concept in our Islamic faith. And really all I'm doing

Mifrah Mahroof:

Tell me more. What do you mean by that? when you say that it's grounded in Islamic history, because the way

Soumaya Najjarin:

we're not strangers to divorce.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah. Okay.

Soumaya Najjarin:

And during the time of our Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, Divorce happened. Often and frequently, there are stories of divorce in the Hadith, there are precedence and case studies that are in the Hadith, the story of the woman who came to the Prophet and asked for khulu, and the Prophet gave guidance and judgment on how that ought to be conducted. There are verses in the Quran that specifically, instruct people and direct people as to how talaq has happened and the conditions surrounding talaq. And they are not buried deep in the Quran. They are featured in the book that we read, the recitations and the verses. And I think of and even in the life of our Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, his example, leading by example in marrying, the divorced women and marrying the widows. Those are all examples that are rich learnings in our faith that we can either choose to adopt and learn from them or bury them. And the unfortunate thing is that culture has played a really big part in ostracizing women and men and shaming women and men who pursue a divorce or end up divorced. What the concept of New Beginnings aims to do is to actually normalize the conversation about divorce and give people the tools that they need to see the hope and to connect to Allah and His message, the essence and the core of our faith, the underpinnings of Islam, because the underpinnings of Islam are what guide us. It's like your moral compass, right? It helps you gain the skills that you need to communicate effectively, to be patient in adversity, to actually work hard, to sustain your life, and not just wait for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. to give you everything you need. So there's a lot of accountability and strength, hope, peace, security that we can draw from the teachings of Islam. And divorce healing and divorce recovery is no different. It's just a subject that people prefer not to talk to because it's laced with shame and taboo. and it threatens people's concept of their self and reputation, right? Because a lot of us are driven by what people think, and what the community thinks, and we need to try and uphold, we're constantly trying to uphold our standing and our status. there is a lot to unpack. It's a contentious area,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Very much

Soumaya Najjarin:

it needs to be handled delicately. Almost as delicately as a fragile person recovering after a divorce.

Mifrah Mahroof:

What really comes to mind is like things I hear through friends and when they went through divorce, they would be hearing things like, you're a bad Muslim or something, it's crazy.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Yeah, and

Mifrah Mahroof:

yeah.

Soumaya Najjarin:

look, and it's something you can expect to hear. Hmm. Unfortunately, I don't want to say it's common, but I will say is be prepared. Right? in Islam, we don't take divorce lightly, right? There is a strong emphasis on the family unit. However, we don't discount or make redundant the justification, the reasons that people put forward for divorce and the provisions that Islam allows for divorce to take place. Now, how you manage and how you behave is a different story altogether. So, after divorce happens, there are going to be times when, the finger is pointed at you and, a lot of conversations will take place about, who's to fault and that will occupy, and that will be like center in front of many people's conversations in the beginning. There's not much you can do about people's behavior, why not focus? and reshift your attention to yourself and what you can do. And I think this is at the core of recovering well after divorce.

Mifrah Mahroof:

One thing that I really want to learn more about is if someone has gone through a divorce and they find themselves in this situation in which they just feel so disconnected from the community and they feel disconnected from themselves as well, where do they start in terms of rebuilding themselves and getting back to some normalcy, you can say?

Soumaya Najjarin:

Look, divorce is life shattering, I constantly draw the analogy of a house burning down, right? A natural disaster destroys your home, the family heirlooms, your prized possessions, your memories, your photos. Divorce is very similar, Mifrah.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Everything you knew has crumbled, so the journey of rebuilding is going to be slow. And it's gonna need a lot of patience. It's gonna need a lot of tools. You're gonna need a lot of tools for the rebuild. So, how does one start the process? we can sit here and talk about all these, therapeutic hacks and all of the psychology and whether it's Western or Islamic and all of that. And the reality is I went through those phases where, I was trying to latch on to something and I would go on and read all these self help books and listen to all these psychologists and psychotherapists and try to gain as much as, motivation and will to go on, but I was actually frozen in a point in time and there are a lot of emotions that you need to unpack. Now whether you walk out on that relationship or you're the person who was left, you're still going through the stages of divorce. And I had no idea what the stages of divorce were until they hit me, bang, smack in the face, in

Mifrah Mahroof:

What are the stages of divorce?

Soumaya Najjarin:

you go through the shock. right? You wake up one day and you're like, okay, what do I do now? You can be the most skilled and professional person and the master of your own life right after the

Mifrah Mahroof:

the divorce. okay, yep. So you go through the shock right after the divorce, Absolutely,

Soumaya Najjarin:

like in some circumstances you may have started the healing process when you're actually in the relationship itself, right? Because usually before you get to the point of divorce, things would have been brewing and boiling in the relationship. There may be resentment between you and your partner. There may have been a communication breakdown. So one or both of the parties may already have started emotionally detaching from the relationship. So like you're kind of thinking to yourself, Oh, all right, this isn't working. I've tried everything, let's raise the white flag. Time out. That's it. We're done. But that doesn't prepare you for waking up the next morning and thinking, where to next? Even if you've spent years governing, managing, driving the relationship, it still hits you in a sense where you wake up and you think, now what do I do as a single person? If you have children, that's double the pressure, right? You think, okay, got mouths to feed. If the other party is misbehaving and when I say misbehaving, it's like, financial support isn't being provided or, withholding access to the children, which happens, and very often and frequently, unfortunately, that adds another layer of complexity. And then you start to grieve, and grief is pulverizing, it's tossing and turning in bed at night. It's your mind racing at a hundred miles an hour, thinking, replaying everything that happened in the lead up to the divorce, and then you start going back even further. The mind just spirals out of control. Go back further, you start to remember little bits and pieces, and at times you even go back to the beginning of the relationship, and you try to unpack and peel away everything and anything that may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. You lose sleep. You might lose your appetite. You might not, you might go the other way and start eating more, right? there are so many ways that grief hits you. Isolating from family and friends, not even looking after yourself the way you should, you would typically look after yourself. Brushing your hair, looking presentable. then you go through, there's a denial, right? There's the denial where you like, no, this can't be happening or finding fault, blaming, finding ways to blame either the other person or yourself. I shouldn't have done this or she did that, he did that. There's also another stage which is interesting called bargaining. Now I had no idea what that was. Until I experienced it myself. As an older, more mature person going through divorce, I started learning that these, how these concepts actually play out and manifest in real life. You go through the bargaining stage where, you might be discussing with your ex partner, reconciliation, what that might look like, you might be talking about, can we make it work, how do we make it work, and you'll either reconcile at this point or you may not, you might go your separate ways. The thing is the cycle, the stages of divorce, they don't just hit you in a cyclical way, it doesn't just come and happen in a cyclical way. You might sometimes go through three stages at once, and they sometimes repeat, and depending on the season of your life that you're in, and circumstances around your life, they may revisit you. What you're doing when you're actually trying to heal and recover after divorce is you're learning how to better manage. And this is where, there are so many elements that need to come into play. And one of the most important ones and one significant ones that helped me personally take the first step into awareness of my situation was the closeness to Allah, coming back to Allah. And I often get really emotional about this but there was one particular time when the relationship ended, maybe a few months had passed, and I was really unsettled at night thinking about things that had happened and how I was going to make life work in this new situation, and I couldn't sleep. It was 3am and I still hadn't fallen asleep. I got up, made wudu, and I prayed tahajjud. And it was at that point, subhanAllah, that I lifted my hands up to God, and I said to Him, I'm back. And tears were streaming down my face. And I say it was at this point that I became aware, because this is a loaded comment, right? Because with awareness comes accountability. And it was at that point that I realized that I hadn't been as close to him as I thought I was, that I wasn't close enough, and I didn't feel sincere enough in my Salat. But when I was praying that Tahajjud, I felt something stir in my heart that I hadn't felt in many years since my divorce. So closeness to Allah is one of the first things, subhanAllah, that will give you this jumping off point. And I say it with conviction. It is a jumping off point, not only because I've experienced it, but because Alhamdulillah, this experience working within the divorce space in service of our community has opened up opportunities for me to consult heavily and read lots of literature and speak face to face with individuals facing this struggle. And the majority of the people I have interacted with have said the first thing that helped them gain their footing in life was finding Allah. Now this doesn't mean you lost him entirely or you lost your Islam. It's finding purpose, finding yourself through Allah. It's reconnecting with him, with sincerity and with Ikhlas.

Mifrah Mahroof:

That makes a lot of sense, it reminds me of how we carried this identity that we're a married person. And then when that was stripped away, it's like, who am I? But the reality is that all of these are just titles. and our first and foremost role or title is the slave of Allah SWT. And that's the main thing at the end.

Soumaya Najjarin:

but you are discovering a new identity as well. Now just remember, as a married person, you played a different role.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Soumaya Najjarin:

You were a different person now, whether you were performing, duties at home as a mother, or whether you were a husband who was, working and managing your time around your family and your children. These are some things that men that I've consulted with have said, waking up the next morning and the children aren't there to hug you anymore. What do I do with my life? And these are real conversations, real stories that impact both men and women. It's about shifting your perspective, and reinventing yourself in alignment with the boundaries that Islam sets.

Mifrah Mahroof:

um,

Soumaya Najjarin:

And it's a beautiful thing when you actually connect with your identity, start finding out who you are through knowing Allah. And that is a perfect segue for me into one of the books that I remember reading was Imam Ghazali's Alchemy of Happiness.

Mifrah Mahroof:

yeah,

Soumaya Najjarin:

Kimmat Al Sa'ada, I think it's called in Arabic, and it's knowing yourself through God. we are, by our fitrah, the muslim identity is strong. And there is a level of certainty that Muslims embody by practicing our faith. When you start to travel down this journey of finding yourself through Islam, and you open yourself up to becoming vulnerable to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and not just vulnerable to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, but also pronounce to yourself that I am now a student of knowledge and a lifelong learner. It's a humbling experience going through divorce when you seek knowledge and open yourself up to actually reinventing yourself. But it also comes with something that I mentioned a little bit earlier, accountability. There's a reason why I keep coming back to accountability, because divorce is humbling, it really does break down all of the beliefs that you had about your future, and it is a clean slate. it wipes everything away, immediately, it wipes it all away, everything you knew, all your dreams, your hopes, your goals, your visions, it wipes it all clear. Because now you need to set new goals, new priorities, new tasks. if you're in a perfect world where both parties are God fearing, well behaved, and can operate in a co parenting if you have children, or in an amicable God fearing way, then the impact of divorce isn't as severe. And when I say it isn't as severe, it doesn't mean you won't be sad and potentially go through some sort of forms of depression or a deep sadness and hurt and shock, it doesn't mean that at all. You'll still go through some of those stages. The impact will be less. However, in other situations, unfortunately, in high conflict situations, the pain is exacerbated when you now find yourself dealing with this new dimension that you may not be equipped for, eh? you may not have imagined, the person that you were married to behaving this way. You may not even know the person anymore because of the behavior and the changes, right? So you are reinventing yourself, redesigning your life, rebuilding your present and envisioning what the future is going to look like. And I don't know about you, but I don't know that can be done in a day, a week, a month or two

Mifrah Mahroof:

Of course,

Soumaya Najjarin:

we put pressure on ourselves sometimes and we say, no, I've got to shake this off. I've got to get up and I've got to do this. And sometimes family community and friends, they don't help as well. You know, it's like, the other day somebody said, well, shouldn't you have already moved on by now? And people can sometimes be an obstacle to your healing, your recovery after divorce.

Mifrah Mahroof:

I guess when they haven't gone through it themselves, they don't understand how long it takes and it's just you simplify it in your mind. Okay. Shouldn't they have gotten over it? But as a divorced person, I'm wondering. How long does it take to get over it? Like, if you were trying to support your friend, is there a time frame?

Soumaya Najjarin:

I would say how long is a piece of string?

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Soumaya Najjarin:

How long is a piece of string? There's no time limit on that. There are definitely signposts that indicate you're on your way. But there's no time limit to when you recover and nor should there be. it took me personally, six months to start seeing hope, to start feeling hopeful. It took me 12 months to put a smile back on my face. And I'm constantly finding new purpose in myself, finding ways to do things better. I'm constantly reinventing myself. I'm learning and growing. This is common knowledge actually even in the business world, right? There's this, the concept of growth mindset. Divorce healing and divorce recovery. It requires a lot of adaptation, right? You've got to adapt your mindset first. But you can't control how you feel straight away. Nor should you try to control and, you shouldn't be trying at this stage to suppress your emotions. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to suppress your emotions when you're going through divorce. Is to say, nah, I can't show my vulnerability. Because it's not all about putting your big girl panties on and moving on with the show. Maybe, if you have young children, you might not have the space to be vulnerable and let out your emotions. Because you do have a responsibility. But that doesn't mean you bottle it all up, and get on with the show and make redundant everything you're experiencing. It's learning how to coexist with it and to do that you need tools. First of all, you need Allah in your life. Secondly, there's an element of accountability. Now this is the third time I come back to you, I come back to accountability and let me tell you why. Because unless you're willing to tell yourself some hard truths about the divorce, then you're not really starting your growth journey, because with every decision we make in life, whether it's a relationship decision, a career decision, a life decision, a parenting decision, there is an element of accountability. You make a decision, there are consequences. In order to understand these consequences and how they apply to your life, you've got to be willing to tell yourself some hard truths.

Mifrah Mahroof:

I'm trying to understand what you mean by accountability. Is it having an external party hold you accountable? Or can you tell me more about that?

Soumaya Najjarin:

Self accountability, when we talk about individual growth as a person, in the divorce context, what I found, the most uncomfortable experience for me was, telling myself, trying to unpack for myself where things went wrong, and why they went wrong. and I had to tell myself some hard truth, absolutely being really honest and to the point where I was at times brutally honest with myself, and I said to myself, okay, the divorce has happened, there's no point sobbing. Let's talk about this Soumaya, and this is the self-talk that I was engaging in, which I found really helpful. I went back to my Islamic teachings. Did you follow the guiding points of Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhi Wa sallam when he said, إِذَا أَتَاكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَدِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ,فَزَوِّجُوهُ if a man comes to you with good character and religion, then marry him. Did you do that? And then I answered that question for myself. Did you dedicate parts of your life, aspects of your life, how much of your life did you dedicate to Allah, to Islam? What could you have done better? And I did hear the echo inside my mind. And I did hear the messages come through. And there was a piece in that puzzle that I needed to actually be aware of my own faults as a person, but not in a self critical way, in a way, where, okay, this is a lesson. This is a gem you've collected from the sea. What are you going to do with it now? How are you going to use it to make your life better, to enrich your life? How do I choose better? How do I make better decisions? So when I talk about accountability is it starts with yourself. It starts with peeling away the layers saying, this is who I am. I am a human with faults. Perfection belongs to Allah. Ya Rabb,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Soumaya Najjarin:

show me, guide me. Downloading all the feelings, all the emotions to Allah, but also saying what's my part in this? What do I need to do? How do I tie my camel? What do I need to do as well? So that's what I mean by accountability and it's a very hard truth to tell ourselves. you wouldn't kick yourself, absolutely. Yeah. I don't know too many people that would be, kicking themselves in the gut and enjoying it, right?

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Soumaya Najjarin:

There's a lot of gut kicking that needs to happen.

Mifrah Mahroof:

even if you look at it, whether it was divorce or any other life event, it's very easy to fall into this blaming and it was their fault or even blaming yourself to the extent that you can't even forgive yourself either. And then you can't move on. You just feel stuck. And I think I like how you mentioned how you think about it, you have that self accountability, but then you look at it as in, I'm not perfect and I'm going to take this as a gem, a lesson that I can use to keep moving forward. And I think that's a very important distinction that you made because sometimes that self accountability or picking out mistakes from the past can have another effect on you.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Oh, absolutely. And the past is the past for a reason. So a lot of times, especially in, consultation with many people, and in my experience, in my own personal experience, dwelling on the past is one of the main contributing factors of people's inability to move forward. Circling back to what happened to try and, justify the divorce, to justify your behavior, it never helped anybody. There's a reason why they say the past is buried. You live for today, you build for tomorrow. And especially in the divorce space, this isn't just my story, this is the story of my story and the story of many other people, who are facing this, new journey. The more you dwell on things that happened in the past, the less likely you're able to move on. It takes a lot of energy to sit down and think and mull over the past. You don't have that kind of energy when you're going through divorce. You need to redirect your energy source to what you can do to survive today and to build for tomorrow, to prepare for tomorrow.

Mifrah Mahroof:

That makes a lot of sense. I remember hearing somewhere, how sometimes even the act of constantly dwelling in the past and getting into that negativity can be addictive. Like you just keep cycling to that and then you just live in the past, you stay in the past, and just trying to step out of it, is very hard

Soumaya Najjarin:

Addictive

Mifrah Mahroof:

addictive

Soumaya Najjarin:

and destructive.

Mifrah Mahroof:

It's like an addictive, destructive habit, I guess. I think that's the word. I would say habit.

Soumaya Najjarin:

addictive and destructive and I have seen people bury themselves in a deep black hole that they can't get out of because they constantly circle back to what happened, who did what. Who cares who did what? The relationship is over. What's that going to achieve? You extract lessons from the past, you learn how to do things better. There's a reason why they say hindsight is 20 20. You take from the past what you can carry forward and improve on for the future. It's perspective, it's mindset. When you get divorced, it's no longer relevant who did what. It doesn't matter, even if you were at fault. What becomes relevant is what you're going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah, that makes sense And I even take lessons from even conflicts or issues that you have with other people. It's like, take the lessons and move on. And it makes a lot of sense. Like you can never go back in time at the end. No, absolutely not. Look,

Soumaya Najjarin:

and that's not, to downplay the impact of divorce and there is a point of difference here, alright, between the experience of divorce and any other sort of conflict that you need to try and erase the past from.

Mifrah Mahroof:

No, no, no, of course, divorce is on a much bigger scale,

Soumaya Najjarin:

Oh yeah. absolutely. Look, if you have children, you're connected to the other person, right? So then, you've gotta upskill, right? You've gotta become the master of communication, because your ex will push your buttons, right? How do you respond? This is where the Islamic teachings come in. no matter which way we look at the divorce healing journey, or growth in general, you circle back to the core principles of Islam. Because Islam helps keep us in check. Islam helps us learn how to communicate. And when I say Islam, we're drawing on the teachings of the Quran, the Sunnah, the stories, all of our rich history, Islamic history. Islam captures every behaviour and path that you can link back to your situation, no matter what the situation is. And I have personally found this to be incredibly helpful in my healing journey, in my journey moving forward, and not just surviving after divorce, but thriving. And you could put forward these, arguments that, I tend to be a lot stronger and resilient. Absolutely. I come from a background where, I come from an upbringing where, my father taught us to take no prisoners. You split your leg open, you're fine, get up, you're okay I came from a hard yakka background where you don't show vulnerability. But, that doesn't mean that's going to make me any better at coping after divorce. And the example in that was my recent divorce. When my world crumbled, when my life fell apart, actually, when I say it was a humbling experience, it was truly a humbling experience. It actually made me realize, hey, you're not a tough cookie after all, are you? You haven't got the solutions, now what are you going to do about it? And Allah has a plan for everyone, and it's in that moment of vulnerability where you think nothing else can go right, He shows up and He lets you know, I'm here, I'm coming, just take a step towards me and I'll run towards you.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah, at the end we're all tested according to our abilities at the end.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Oh absolutely, look, and when you're going through divorce it's really, sometimes It's hard to see that Allah has a better plan in that moment of vulnerability, and I do often reflect on the Soumaya post divorce, immediately post divorce, and the Soumaya today. And I think there's another key thing reflection, being reflective. Divorce can help you become more grounded and reflective, actually, on life and, perspectives in life, and just gives you that kind of wisdom that you need. So there are some perks, unfortunately, to going through adversity. But when I look back at who I was two, three months after divorce and who I am today, I say Astaghfirullah, how could I have not seen that Allah's plan was for me to progress in my life and to do this, to deliver this for the Muslim community. If I had not gone through this struggle and ended up in a pastor's home listening to stories of Christ, would I have even come up with the idea to help other Australian Muslims navigating divorce? I can see that now, that it's 19 months post divorce, but I couldn't see it in the beginning. In the beginning it was, why? Why me? So, it's a transition. You go through a season of life, and the seasons of your life will change along the way.

Mifrah Mahroof:

So, Soumaya, you've shared a lot of great insights over this interview. And one thing that I want to understand is what is a challenge that people who have gone through divorce face that people who haven't gone through divorce don't really understand. And I want to know that based on your experiences and the people that you've talked to, who've gone through this experience.

Soumaya Najjarin:

I would say that the silver lining isn't as clear as others think it is, and that the light at the end of the tunnel is very far in the eyes of the person who's going through divorce, especially in the beginning.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm,

Soumaya Najjarin:

It's easy, as a support person, and I have been in that position. position as a support person to providing support to someone going through divorce before my divorce and sometimes we fall into this trap where we think by providing the kind of moral support or support to this person by saying You know, don't worry. It's gonna get better soon. It'll be fine You know just once you get this out of the way once you get your Islamic divorce for example or The 12 months and one day ticks over and you get your legal divorce or once your property settlement is over once you've got consent orders in place, Life is going to be fine. Well, you know what? It's not because then you start a new journey. And then you start this new journey trying to find your new way in life. It's the negotiations that need to take place between you and your ex-partner. It's the financial management of your life as a single person. It's your identity as a single person, learning to do things for yourself, navigating life on your own. So one of the things that, it's not easy to see the silver lining.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Especially in the beginning of the divorce, that's the first thing I would say, that other people may not know. And the next thing I would say is, there is no recipe, or a quick fix, or a quick solution to recovery after divorce. And I tried my very best. Throughout my whole adult life to stay away from buzzwords like healing and all of these spiritual healing concepts. I tried my very best in the beginning to stay away from it because I didn't quite understand the concepts and I didn't understand what they meant until I actually got divorced. And I had no previous interaction with any psychologists or counsellors until my recent divorce.

Mifrah Mahroof:

And then those concepts start to make sense. Is that what you're saying?

Soumaya Najjarin:

I would say I became more aware of how I needed to implement change in my life through those modalities and how I could diversify my emotional skill set, my maternal skill set, and where I could draw in the resources to help me rebuild my life.

Mifrah Mahroof:

So what's an example of that? I'm trying to understand what you mean by that.

Soumaya Najjarin:

uh, I remember in the beginning of my divorce particularly actually, I did actually see a counsellor and the counsellor would say things like, Keep a journal, start journaling your emotions. I was also taken through these breathing exercises and I tried desperately to connect with these exercises. But right at the beginning of my divorce, I actually wasn't focusing on that. I was trying to think about how I was going to make money, find living arrangements that were adequate, put my son through schooling, and just actually deal with life. So for me, journaling and breathing and, all these, they were buzzwords and I'm completely honest we need to be completely honest with ourselves and, what all of this self help and the motivation and all of these modalities mean to someone, some people will latch onto that. And immediately feel the benefits, but the reality is if you're juggling and navigating, not just the whirlwind of emotions, because that is one big Molotov cocktail that is going off, you got firecrackers going off in your mind, your body, your nervous system, your joints in your body, you're dealing with a lot of emotional processing, but you're also dealing with the practical elements of being divorced and the practical elements of being divorced are how do I continue to navigate life? you lose friendships. The friendships that you had as a married person may change. The relationships with in laws, extended family, that may change. So you may need to find a new network. How do you navigate all of that? School may need to change. Homes may need to change. Your whole modus operandum needs to be different when you're divorced. You're not always going to latch onto these grounding methods. Not immediately. However,

Mifrah Mahroof:

immediately, right,

Soumaya Najjarin:

as time.

Mifrah Mahroof:

throw the baby out with the bathwater, right? There is good in those

Soumaya Najjarin:

a place. for it. There is absolutely a place and there's a time. And there's a season and there's a mood as well. So you'll extract little bits and pieces from your counseling sessions, benefits from them. There definitely are benefits from having that person. But the reality is not everybody can afford it. And this is what's coming out in my conversations with, the Muslim community, the women in particular. It's, the cost is just too high. So what do I do? there are definitely benefits, however, how long it takes, how much time you need in order to start feeling those benefits, that depends on first of all you, and what you would like to do with this information. This is all temporary stuff, stuff that helps you get on your feet, right? It's those guardrails, the guardrails need to come off, and when the guardrails come off, you're on your own, no one is coming. This is where mindset comes into play. Some people have a stronger mindset, right? So my mindset is super strong. All growth. I take no prisoners mindset. put your big girl panties on. You can do this. Now that comes because I have a rich experience, being a single mother. Raising children on my own, holding down a job, studying, working hard, struggling. When you've walked along Struggle Street, you become better at dealing with struggle. That is a given. Not everybody has done that. you may need the guardrails. The extra wheels on the bike to support you initially. But eventually you need to be willing to let go of those wheels and the guardrails.

Mifrah Mahroof:

What do you mean by the guardrails? Is it support

Soumaya Najjarin:

Supports the Not necessarily. It's the finding the courage to take a step forward and leave behind your insecurities and your fees. The guardrails are there, right? You get them from your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your friend, your psychologist. they're helping you navigate, but in order to help you. You also need to help yourself, Right. God is there. We need to have tawakkol, and tawakkol is very powerful. But we also need to play a part as well, and to play a part in the story of our life, the rebuilding of our own life, we actually need to face our fears by taking the plunge, and fear is the enemy of progress. So, taking the plungee to rediscover that new identity, the new role. To be comfortable with your new identity. To learn how to block out the noise that becomes an obstacle, that hinders your process, and that noise can come from many places. it can come from yourself as well. There's always that sensor that lives inside you, the negative thoughts. Now therapists are wonderful at helping you unpack that, especially if you're like me, and you had no idea what counsellors did before your divorce, and you had no idea what their functions were, and definitely helps you gain an awareness of the existence of the studies and literature, the frameworks that exist to help you understand it initially, right? And also block out the noise that comes from outside and it could be the community that says, you got divorced? Why didn't you work harder? Why didn't you try harder? Why weren't you patient? Don't you know that Allah grants a woman patience? Don't you know that Allah grants a woman Jannah? If she's patient with her husband's bad character or his khuluq, this is the noise you're gonna,

Mifrah Mahroof:

You need to block

Soumaya Najjarin:

You need to learn how to block it out. It's easier said than done. and I had to cry a lot. I did absolutely,

Mifrah Mahroof:

But we're human

Soumaya Najjarin:

my pillows. Absolutely. And then you learn to be okay with crying. And as it turns out, the morning pages, which is what I call them now, my morning pages, my journaling, has become a regular feature in my life

Mifrah Mahroof:

Do you mean morning as in like morning and night or

Soumaya Najjarin:

I set the time. you set the rules. when you're recovering, like when you're finding yourself and purpose, you set the rules. You set the guidelines, you set the bar as high or as low as you want. Sometimes you turn the dial down when you're having a below the line day and it's okay, it's totally okay not to put in effort and for your social battery to be low and for you to just immerse yourself in a good read or a good sleep actually for that matter and then other times you turn the dial right up and that's when you fire up your neurons are fired up and you just want to tackle the world solve all the world's problems right read gorge through all these books change genres do something amazing and this is the season of life right this is one of the seasons of divorce you find yourself doing you'll have bursts of energy and then you'll have days where you're just below the line I'm not going there right

Mifrah Mahroof:

So I'm curious to know though, earlier you mentioned, how there are many people who can't afford a counselor or a psychologist. So what do they do? because there are many people who fall into that because after you get divorced, like you said, you have bills, you're trying to figure out, especially if you weren't working before and you were depending on your husband. And the reason I mentioned this is because like you always hear, okay, after someone gets divorced, go get a counselor, go get therapy. And it's just said a lot, but not everyone can afford that.

Soumaya Najjarin:

yeah, it's not a practical solution for everyone. and this is why people, individuals, women and men, they do struggle in silence and in isolation. They isolate and they do struggle and they go into some deep depression, lack of access. Lack of financial resource seems to be, one of the strongest themes that's coming out, ostracization by the community. There was in fact one person in particular who said to me, in my community, when I went through my divorce, it actually impacted on my brother's ability to marry someone, because Your prospects of marrying into a decent family in that particular community were significantly reduced if there was a divorce status in your home.

Mifrah Mahroof:

I see what you mean. So if you don't have access to a psychologist or a counselor, then what are the practical steps that you can do to heal at that point.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Okay. Start with your connection to Allah.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Soumaya Najjarin:

That's your bread and butter.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Soumaya Najjarin:

That's the first thing you do. The first thing you do is you surrender yourself to Allah. And be vulnerable with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And then there's a practical element. And then you need to figure things out, right? Like you sit yourself down, and people often talk about networks. Actually, there's an interesting book called A Diary of a CEO. Now, you might think, how is this even relevant? Diary of a CEO, Stephen Bartlett, right? Really

Mifrah Mahroof:

I'm surprised you mentioned that in this talk, but tell me what's the matter. Soumaya

Soumaya Najjarin:

because he takes the reader through, right at the beginning of this book, he goes through the five laws, right? There are some laws that you need to follow to be successful, or to lead a purpose driven life or something like that. And he talks about, there are five buckets or something. I might have it somewhere written here, actually, yeah. He says there are five buckets, right? To know your potential in life. And he goes through them and he says, What you know. What you can do. Who you know. What you have. And the last one is redundant. What the world thinks of you, absolutely nothing to do with divorce. But let's go with the first four, right? Your knowledge, your skills, your network, your resources. Now I often like to Islamify the books that I read. I try to relate them, link them back to the Islamic texts. And if knowledge is power in the context of business, knowledge is light in the context of Islam. Equip yourself with knowledge. There is a multitude of Islamic resources online. The internet is flooded, literally, easy to read articles. Self help videos, short reels

Mifrah Mahroof:

Or podcasts like this.

Soumaya Najjarin:

podcasts like Muslim Life Hackers and the likes and actually there are,

Mifrah Mahroof:

particular episode.

Soumaya Najjarin:

this particular episode, InshaAllah Ya Rabb, we can add some value to the listeners and to actually be ready to learn. Engage in learning. You become a lifelong learner. Adopt that mindset, I'm a lifelong learner now. What do I need to learn? And it's not limited to just divorce related material. I can jump from a book on philosophy to a book on business. back to poetry and then look at some self help book and extract gems and lessons from each and every single genre. The same is true for videos, podcasts, TED Talks. The more you learn, the richer your understanding of yourself, of life, the workings, your family, even your orientation in life, becomes rich. Knowledge is not just power, knowledge is light. It lights up your path. It helps you see that light at the end, the other light at the end of the tunnel. The other one is skills, right? Like what you can do. Alright? You need to identify your parameters. You're not going to have the answer to everything in the beginning. And it's okay not to have the answer to everything. Nobody has the answer to everything, otherwise the world's problems would have been solved. It's hard for you to see that in the beginning. Because you want to try to figure everything out and you get this burst of energy. I'm on my own now. I've got to get this, I've got to secure that, I've got to do this, I've got to get skilled, if I haven't worked in 30 years, I've got to find myself a job and then you end up crashing. Your nervous system says, nah, not happening, you crash, right? It's acknowledging that you don't have all the skills, but also allowing yourself to start upskilling. the more trophies on the mantle, The more solid your path is going forward.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Soumaya Najjarin:

The one after that is networks, and that links us back to what you were saying, what can you do, right? Therapists will say, build a network, have a support network. Our own Islamic texts talk to us about as sohbah, and the meaning and the value of having good companionship. Because these are the people who will hold you accountable if they're high quality, who will reassure you, who will help you continue to see the light before you, and will be there for you to bounce ideas as you're sounding board, as your motivators, and I have many dear to me who I'm so grateful, eternally grateful, for being part of my life, for listening when I need it, to be heard, for actually just giving me their shoulder to cry on when I needed to cry.

Mifrah Mahroof:

mm

Soumaya Najjarin:

And the value of those, companions becomes magnified. As you actually start building your strength and courage and resilience, you start to see and filter out, actually, your friends. Your circle of friends and your close, your inner circle becomes a lot smaller. You can expect that after divorce as well. But then, because you become a lot wiser and you reduce your circle to the people who add the most value, and then the extension of your circle then becomes People who are part of your life for whatever reason they need to be and you become a master of navigating through those levels of friendship and companionship. But having a network should never be undervalued or underscored. It is extremely important after divorce. And the last one is resources, right? And when we say resources, it's interesting because resources can mean a lot of Something different to all of us, right? Resources could be your money, resources could be your friendship, resources can also be your emotional resources, your mental resources, how much you can give, how much you should allocate. And one of the exercises I honestly have done many times is a cost benefit analysis of my life. Now you notice I'm bringing in a lot of business and sometimes even project management, element concepts, part of it is because. I come from that background, the policy, the critical thinking, but also the project management framework. Part of it is that, but another part of it is also I was guided towards that by close friends and a counselor. It's actually, if we applied a project management lens to our life, if we project managed our life on paper Hmm. And drilled it went down to A project charter, where we identify the problem, look at the dependencies, our success factors, the resources that we have, a timeline. And then we look at the other documents. Created timelines and actually mapped what this journey is going to look like. Actually helps us gain the perspective and actually see what we're up ahead. But the reality is a lot of us don't plan. You can't plan for divorce, because when it happens, it's a totally new ballgame, you're on a new stomping ground, right? But if we applied some project management, project managing concepts to our life, and started to map through it, like I did, this is what I found extremely helpful. What's the issue I'm facing right now? Okay? So I would ask myself, what's the problem right now? Okay, my money. money is a bit of a problem. Okay, where can I draw some savings from, what can I let go of? This subscription can go, this can go. I'll pause this one for a while. I'm not able to donate at the moment. Scrap, scrap, scrap, scrap. A bit of planning needs to happen, right? So you look at what your resources are, and you work with that, and you create a plan. Cost benefit analysis. when I was going through the bargaining stage of divorce, which is when there was a conversation about possible reconciliation. I actually did a cost benefit analysis. I wrote, what is the cost of going back to this relationship? What are the benefits of going back? And as it turned out, the cost was significantly higher than the benefit. And here I am today as a divorced person trying to help others navigate their life.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah,

Soumaya Najjarin:

That's not to say that it was always meant to be. No, this was Allah's will and we acknowledge that, Allah subh'anahu wa ta a'la had the plan and I am playing out my story as an actress in my book of life that Allah SWT had written me, and it looks different, and there are different versions and different ways that this is happening in your life. there is an acknowledgement that you will continue to evolve and change, and the new version, supersedes the previous one, and you feel the changes as time passes. You feel not only happier, more content, stronger, a better problem solver, even a better parent, I must say a better parent towards your children, because you have the space to actually, figure it out, starting with yourself. Start by figuring out who you are, and then that comes out and it shows, it emanates, I'm a big believer in energy, right? Big believer in your energy coming out, so SubhanAllah, the harder you work on yourself, the more energy emits from you and radiates from you. And you feel it, and the people around you start to see it. And comment about it as well.

Mifrah Mahroof:

that's very beautiful and I love your refreshing approach there.

Soumaya Najjarin:

the story of a CEO, right? Who would have thought?

Mifrah Mahroof:

Who would have thought? Alhamdulillah. Well, look, Soumaya, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on the show. I loved our conversation today and I hope anyone who's listening to this has really benefited from it as well. and if you want to connect with Soumaya and the work that she's doing, we'll include it all in our show notes. And any final words, Soumaya, before we end off?

Soumaya Najjarin:

thank you for the opportunity, I really appreciate it, and InshaAllah tonight I've tried to, add some value to the conversation about divorce, and I just want to emphasize how important it is to be brave and courageous when you're facing this challenging time. Hopefully got moving into the future we can normalize the conversation about, the divorce experience for women and men, and not dismiss the rights and the need of both women and men to heal with dignity and clarity. and I would just say, take every day as it comes and draw on your support networks. And if you're looking for some good reads, there are many reads to help you along the way. If you're looking to set boundaries, there's a fantastic book called Setting Boundaries by Dr. Rebecca Ray. If you're feeling sad, read the book Don't Be Sad by Dr. Aaidh Al-Qarni. If you want to change some habits, Atomic Habits. There are many fantastic reads that you can actually lean to help give you the boost that you need.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Soumaya Najjarin:

Stay positive, keep shining, and you are the master of your future. You're in charge of redesigning who you want to be. It's up to you to decide where you go, how far you go. the only limits that are set are the ones that you create for yourself. There is always a solution to a problem. Allah is always near. He paves the way. You just need to be ready to take the plunge. And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make it easy for us all.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Aameen, thank you so much, Soumaya.

Soumaya Najjarin:

You're welcome.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hey everyone, that wraps up another episode of the Muslim Life Hackers podcast. I really hope you enjoyed our chat today and got some great takeaways from it. If you like what you heard and don't want to miss out on our next conversations, hit that subscribe button. It really means a lot to us and helps us grow the show. And you know what? If you're feeling extra generous today, drop us a review or a rating. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you again for tuning in until next time, keep striving and getting better every day.

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Mifrah Mahroof

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