Muslim Life Hackers

Sumaiya Siddiqui: Understanding Self-Worth and Self-Respect

• Mifrah M • Episode 10

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In this episode, Mifrah Mahroof welcomes Sumaiya Siddiqui, a relationship and emotional coach, to delve into critical topics affecting our self-esteem and relationships. From understanding the roots of self-esteem issues to learning how to balance humility and self-respect, this conversation offers practical insights and advice for everyone, especially women. Sumaiya shares her experiences and wisdom, connecting everything back to the teachings of Islam, helping listeners build better self-awareness and relationships.

Timestamps:
01:53 Understanding Self Esteem and Its Impact
02:52 The Role of Self Concept and Self Image
04:13 Connecting Self Worth to Faith
08:59 Balancing Self Awareness and Humility
16:48 Accepting Yourself and Overcoming Low Self Esteem
21:31 Cultural Reflections on Family Dynamics
22:46 The Importance of Self-Respect
23:37 Navigating Boundaries in Relationships
26:59 Effective Communication Strategies
36:51 Learning from the Seerah

About Sumaiya Siddiqui:
Sumaiya Siddiqui is a Certified Life Coach from MUMKIN and AWARE ACADEMY (Australia). She is also the Founder and CEO of “Lead to Change” (Sydney). She has a Grad Dip Psychology (JCU, Australia) and is also pursuing a Master’s in Psychotherapy.

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Sumaiya Siddiqui:

When you start talking about self respect, you're talking about boundaries. Self respect, like, I'm important and I should be at the dinner table as well, and you cannot start dinner without me.

Mifrah Mahroof:

As-salamu alaykum and welcome to the Muslim Life Hackers podcast. I'm your host Mifrah Mahroof, and this is the podcast where we get better every day. Through conversations with experts, leaders, and inspiring individuals. We're going to give you actionable insights to help you win in this life and the next. So if you're ready to level up in every area of your life and you committed to living with excellence for the sake of your Lord. You're in the right place. Get ready for insights, inspiration, and a whole lot of life hacks. This is a Muslim Life Hackers podcast. Let's dive in. Asalamu Alaikum Sumaiya welcome to the show.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Walaikum Asalaam, Jazakallah Khair, for inviting me here.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Thanks so much. I appreciate that you're coming on. So let's start off with an introduction. Can you give us an overview of who you are and what you do?

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yes, definitely. So giving my introduction, my name is Sumaiya Siddiqui and I live in Sydney. I have been a relationship and emotional coach since last six years now. And, I have been coaching women from all different areas, from all different continents. I have got like a degree in psychology and I did my certification in coaching. And then, if I tell you about myself, I've got grown up kids, MashaAllah, I've got like five grandkids, Alhamdulillah. So when I tell my coaching clients, if I'm coaching, it's not coming on in my, like, it's professionally, it's like I'm an experienced grandmother,

Mifrah Mahroof:

So many insights, so many life experience. I'm really looking forward to diving deep into that, InshaAllah. I would really like to dive into the area of, so you mentioned how you are doing relationship coaching and emotion coaching as well. so the first thing I'd like to learn about is the whole area of self esteem. So this is an area that you have done some work on and do workshops around. And I want to really learn about How it's impacting us and our relationships and what we can actually do to improve it.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

So, Mifrah, self esteem is such an important topic, especially women, It's actually affected by the environment that we are in, sometimes it's our own belief system is made through the environment. for example, if a child is not good enough, like not, slim or smart or something, They get to hear from parents or from relatives that like, you should be losing weight or at a very early age. So that person starts thinking that I'm not looking good enough. She is good enough, but not good enough according to the society. So that's how she starts thinking about herself that I should be good and I'm not looking good, right? so there's something that's called self concept. I am not looking good. This is her self concept. And I should be looking good. So this is her self image, for the future. So if there's a distance between these two, it means that your self esteem goes low. And then, I should be, and I'm not. it's like, they're two big distance, right? So your self esteem goes low, and you start thinking low about yourself. And when you start thinking low about yourself, then whatever, you It's in our heart, whatever we think about ourself, that is actually projected towards the other person, and then whenever you go out, you say, if you feel like, oh, I'm not good enough, you try to hide yourself, or you don't feel like talking with confidence. And that actually that's built. Let's keep on building till that person's is Self aware this is what's happening and this is stopping me from making good relationship or moving forward in my life Because every time that person would think oh, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough and you must have heard from a lot of people Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't even appreciate themselves like they have done this I've to be very honest. I was like that as well. So, I never thought about like I'm good enough. And if I tell you like, it took me a while to come up And say things about myself like this is I'm good at. it goes back to our Deen and I always, I want to connect everything to my Deen. There's There's There's a story about, Yusuf AS story. Sayyidina Yusuf AS, he was good with numbers. He was good with, counting or, He had all that knowledge. So when there was a famine in Egypt, he went to the king and he told the king that, I'm good with this. You give me this charge and I can take control of your, there was a big, It's called nuzakheerah in Arabic, the big treasure of the crops and I can take care of it. So you can come up and if you're self aware of yourself, this is my talent or this is my skill, then you can come up and tell others. But if you're not aware of yourself, that talent is being hidden and you're not even purposeful for everyone. And sometimes as Muslims, what we have thing with people, We always think about that's arrogance to talk about ourself. So we don't talk about ourself so I've I've realized this is not arrogance, we should be telling others like I'm good enough and I can do this for you And there's no harm in doing that. like, keep a balance between humility and the self esteem. if you have a self esteem, low self esteem, you're not going to go forward and do anything. And at the same time, if you are aware of your skills, whatever your skills are, then you can go forward and you can let the other person know, look, I can do this for you. it always, reminds me back, the way we look at ourselves, that we project, we get connected with the story of Bani Israel, when Musa Alaihissalam asked Bani Israel to enter into a city, that city had the people were very strong. The armies had very strong, and then Bani Israel was not ready to enter, the city. They said like, these people are so, strong for them. we would look like grasshoppers, we are so weak, we are not gonna enter this city, and we are not gonna conquer, we're not gonna fight with them because they are very strong armies. We just like grasshoppers for them. they also said, if they look at us, they will say they are, we are so weak. and then, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala wasn't happy with them. And then he left them, misguided, misleaded, and they kept on moving around in the desert for 40 years.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

So when you start looking at.

Mifrah Mahroof:

fulfilling prophecy They thought themselves weak and that's what they ended up getting.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yes, that's right. So our software that's coming from. I would say our self worth is coming from Allah SWT Allah created you, for you, if you don't like a person, you say, Oh, I don't like the way she is or the way she looks like. But if you look at from the Creator's perspective, Allah SWT created that person with so much love. And if you look at that person, you don't like the way she's created, like, the features of whatever. But if you look at from creator's perspective, Allah liked her. That's why Allah created her, and that's how she is, or that's how what that person look like. So you have to look at anything or anyone from Allah SWT's perspective. Or if someone is having a low self worth about themselves, it means that they're not looking at from the lens of the Creator. And the creator is Allah SWT. So you look at yourself, I am here because Allah wanted me to be here. I am talking to you because Allah wanted me to talk to you. This is all because of Allah SWT. And it's nothing else, right? So I am here with the permission of Allah. And one other thing, sorry, I'll just take one more minute about it. It's a sort of important topic, when Allah SWT created jinn, Allah SWT created Adam AS. He asked all the angels to bow down in front of Adam because he wanted, Adam Al Aslam was so important for Allah SWT and but when he created the earth and the skies, he didn't ask the angels to bow down to them.

Mifrah Mahroof:

That's

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah. Allah SWT asked the angels to bow down to Adam. we are the offspring of Adam AS. So we are like, angels prostrated. So if you look at yourself, look, I'm here because Allah wanted me to be here. I look like this because Allah wanted me to be looking like this. Now, I feel, I should be so proud of myself. So my self worth is actually coming from Allah SWT. Like I'm not the one who is actually, be judging myself, like what do I look like and what's my self worth is because it's coming from Allah. So it's like this, and you have to look at it from the creator's lens.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense when you change the way you view this in a different light and not just make it all about yourself and you're like you take a step back and look at it from the perspective of our creator. You mentioned earlier about like how you find that, when women speak about self esteem, they feel that it's arrogant to speak about myself or I have to hide my talent and I think I don't speak about it much. How does the balance actually look like? What I've seen time and time again, many women struggle with this, men haven't seen that struggle as much. So I'd like to know how would a balanced approach actually look like in practice.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

so first step is self-awareness. Like you should be Yeah, we are not aware of ourselves. And I think it, it comes back from if you are a mother, if someone is a mother, then they should be looking at the child, let the child grow, grow in a sense like, growing their talents and the skills that they have. And then appreciate them. And when you appreciate that, and that person, like that child would think, okay, yeah, I have got this talent. I've got this talent. For example, if a child talks a lot and he's a very good speaker. And then the parent is actually letting them know that like, you're such a good speaker. And then telling everybody like, my son or my daughter is such a good speaker, and when that child grows up and, that person would know that I am a very good speaker. So he's very self aware of himself, and then he can have a purpose in life, everything connected with Allah SWT, you are a good speaker and do it for the sake of Allah SWT, do something, you can talk good and you can, if you're a good speaker, you can give talks or you can do something that's better. So how to keep a balance, how to strike a balance between them, like how to tell the other person, this is who I am. I would say having a purpose is very, a clear purpose. Why am I doing it? That will actually keep you on track. If you say, you just go out and say, okay, this is who I am. then nobody's going to buy your idea, but if you have a purpose in mind, I'm doing it so that I can please Allah SWT. that thought or that belief system is going to take you a long way. It's gonna keep all your arrogance in the bud. It won't let it grow because you're only doing it for the sake of Allah. Allah SWT is there. So, yes, you have to be self aware of yourself. Like, yes, this is my skill. This is my strength. And I can let others benefit from me. Like you have to be self aware of yourself, and then I'm doing this, this is why I'm doing it. So you connect it with your why. So if your why is strong, your what doesn't fall. But if your why is not strong, your what falls. For example, if you're having the podcast, so what's the reason of having this podcast? Yes, I want to please Allah SWT because this is a Muslim for Muslims, right? I want to help Muslims. So this is helping Muslim is pleasing Allah SWT. So you have a stronger vibe. So no matter what kind of difficulty that you face, you say, Oh, yeah, that's right. That's part of it. And every time I'm doing it, I'll be getting rewards from Allah SWT. So this is, bit by bit, this is what we do. And this is how you can connect. So I would say striking a balance, having the purpose will keep you balanced.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm. that's a really good way to put it. I particularly liked it how you mentioned about part of self awareness is having gratitude for it. So sitting down and asking ourselves like, what am I grateful for that Allah SWT has given me? And then when you think about doing that for Allah SWT's sake, yeah, like it's very hard for arrogance to be in that when you have the right framing and the right mindset, so it makes a lot of sense in that way. Still on the topic of self esteem though, you mentioned how self esteem is the process where you have an idea of where you are and where you need to be. So how do you fix the issue? Is it that you need to get to that place or in order to fix up your self esteem issues or when you start with that, I guess, I'm not sure if I'm framing this properly.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

yeah, you're right, how should I overcome that distance? Actually, accept the way you are.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Okay. So that means there was no like distance because like, when I think distance is like, okay, we got to make that, we got to solve it. We got to,

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

like, this is where I am, and this is where I should be, like that, to distance, like the distance is there. So, Accept it like, I should be, so put the should down. No I shouldn't be, this is who I am. Accept it the way I am looking and usually self esteem is usually a physical look. Usually it's like, I'm not looking good enough. Where is it coming from, I'll give you an example, you have got a balance in, controlling the advertisements that are coming in between. But on YouTube, still a lot of ads are coming up. So if kids are watching cartoon or something on YouTube, suddenly, an ad pop up. So I remember a long time back, and I was telling it to my son. I was live in Pakistan and they're watching cricket. So Pakistanis are very, you know, they watch cricket. and then suddenly, when there's a break, An ad would come up and it would say, no, you can have only two kids. Having only two kids is a good family. And my son was still remember it's been years now, maybe like more than 10 years. he still remembered that song that was like a jingling song. And then in Muslim countries, they encourage, don't have big population and stuff like that. We Muslims don't believe that. But anyway, so he still remembers that. In the cricket, during the cricket, where it is coming from, only two kids, right? So it's like, subliminal messages that are coming

Mifrah Mahroof:

up. Right, I

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Uh, yeah, yep, so subliminal majid, okay, we should be having two kids, like, okay, so not no bigger families. And whereas it's so against our sunnah, the Prophet shallallahu alaihi wasallam would be standing up and he was saying, like, you know, a big, a caravan is coming up and we say, Oh, these are my people. This is my ummah. there's so many people coming up and okay. This is such a big group of people coming up. This is my ummah and Prophet would be happy to see a big ummah So if we are as Muslim, we are not discouraged with that. This is another topic. But the thing is that, there are so many subliminal messages whatever we watch media. So for women,

Mifrah Mahroof:

picking up on it.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

yeah, yeah, for example, they used to be not anymore But not long time back like in a coke bottle figure. And then here, even you can find, short skirts for girls, even five to six year old. What's the point of having a short skirt for girls before four, five to six year old. All these things are actually giving you subliminal messages that you should be looking good. You should be looking sexy. You should be looking this way. And that's how our image for ourselves is being built up. This is how I should be looking like, barbie doll figure, long time back, there was a Barbie doll figure was that, but it's still people like, they go for diet and then heavy diet, not eating anything for, It's okay. it's good.

Mifrah Mahroof:

not accepting where they're at, I guess.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

It's okay. it's very good that you, we should not have weighed. It's good. But then, running after that figure is actually because that's been inculcated in our mind through subliminal messages. And this is how we see ourself, this is who I am. This is how I want to look. But, I'm not according to what others say about me, I'm not according to the culture or the environment or the society, and that's why I'm not good enough. So that not good enough is actually lower self esteem. So, I remember a long time back, I was talking to my health coach, and she said when you look at yourself, In the mirror, what do you see? I said, Oh, I see myself with a big belly. I said, you should be loving your belly because you had four kids. MashaAllah. So you should be loving yourself the way you are and SubhanAllah and it doesn't mean that I should not go for eating healthy or I should not go for exercise, but it's all about my self image It's all about self image psychology like the way I am here because of this I've been through like, you know I've been through these facts and that's why I'm here. So if you have to accept myself and then say, oh, Alhamdulillah, Oh Allah SWT, You have given me this, and when you say Alhamdulillah, Oh Allah, and then this is how I want to see myself, Allah, make it easy for me, so and then you know, you're actually taking yourself towards positivity rather than beating yourself all the time.

Mifrah Mahroof:

It, make it easy for me as like the next goal, like say that you accept yourself for what you are today. You have more kilos than you'd like to

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

have, yeah.

Mifrah Mahroof:

And then, so how do you actually get to that destination that you want to get to then? If we say that, just be happy with where you are.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Accept yourself the happy, like for example, someone does give birth and then of course, like that person is not looking as they wanted them to be looking.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

So accept it, that with every you've got, you lost something, but you gained something as well. So look at something that you have gained. Yes. I've got a kid now. I have a baby, I have to look after. Yes, I'm going to eat healthy because this is also my body is also an amanah from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. So accept yourself the way you are means that, accept it like this is how I will be looking for a little while. It's not that I'll be looking like this forever, but people go into depression. And then they start think. I remember one of the lady I used to coach. She was a chartered accountant. She had such a big position at her workplace. She wouldn't go to work. She would work from home. And that was at the COVID time and she took the advantage and said, I don't want to go to the office because everyone would look at me like, I'm so fat. I said, no, nobody would even think about it. She had so much low self esteem that she wouldn't like to go out. She wouldn't like to go into the parties. Yeah, it's very hard because you have to go and meet people and talk to them. People would look at you, okay, but this is who I am. Okay. That's fine. But this is the skill that you are. When you start talking to someone, they will be so immersed in what you're talking rather than looking at your figure, right. when you pick up yourself You felt self esteem will start going higher as well because you know, I'm going to the gym or I'm doing this exercise I'm just picking up and inshallah. I'll be happy. I'll be better the things like that change But if you don't accept the way you are right now and keep on beating yourself, you would never get there. That's the thing.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Did it answer your question?

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah, yeah. you resort to like very extreme measures and try to fix it up overnight or something. But, I guess what I'm hearing, from what you're saying is accept where you are and focus more on the effort, think about the effort that you're doing to take care of your body as an amanah from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and, when you accept yourself you can start radiating that so when you're out and about, you're talking to people, then people will come and accept you because you have accepted yourself first, so everything starts off with yourself.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Exactly. Because, you are actually self projecting, right? Whatever's inside you, you're projecting on the other person. like, people don't like me. You remember that story? there was a lady who had hijab on and then she would go to the marketplace and she complained that everyone frowns at me. And then people ask her, like, why everyone frown at you? And she said, I don't know. Somebody asked, do you frown at them? She said, yeah. So you frown at them as well. So it's reflecting back on you.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Right. that's an interesting story.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

And if you smile,

Mifrah Mahroof:

hmm.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

have an experiment, people will smile at you.

Mifrah Mahroof:

True, true, it's amazing how it just all starts off with us and how we treat ourselves.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah, it's how we treat ourselves. Yeah. And I think, most of our culture is like, I'm from Pakistan and our culture, and I think maybe in our cultures, a lot of Arab cultures as well, the mother doesn't give them the importance.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah, that like everyone,

Mifrah Mahroof:

a lot of these cultures.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

yeah, the whole family would eat and then the mum wouldn't get a chance like she's still cooking, baking or making, we call it rotis, we can make it rotis and fresh bread, you can call it pita bread, something fresh bread and giving it to the family, the whole family is eating and by the time mum's finished cooking and comes to a dinner, the dinner is already done by most of the family members. So, that's

Mifrah Mahroof:

very sad. that's very sad, actually. Yeah, it's very much part of my culture. And I think, this is not anyone else. It is not children's fault. The mom didn't give importance to herself because this is how she learned it. This is what she has learned throughout her life this what I have really modeling at that point that she should be the last person to think about. And so then the children and everyone else treated her that way, essentially, because she's treating herself that way at that point.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah. Yeah. So why is she not coming? I do that as well. I'm not saying I'm not. So my kids would say, Oh, why don't you come as well? I said, yeah, I'm coming. But sometimes I put the food on the table and then I'm sitting down. Okay, everyone has to come. So I have to put myself in an important position. If I don't make myself important, my kids are not going to respect me. The way they should be respecting and respect is not only culture it's from our deen, we should be respecting our parents. We should be respecting ourselves as well. this is how self respect, self esteem. This is all, I think these are all one name to the other. Whatever you say, you have to have self esteem

Mifrah Mahroof:

Tell me more about that though, self respect sounds a bit more different in a way and treating ourselves as we are important. Like how does that actually look like? Because like again, I see it a lot in women and sometimes I even struggle with this as well. Like not feeling that I'm important and then that kind of radiates out and then you think, what about humility? What about being in front of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and feeling that, I guess humility would be the best word that I can describe what I'm thinking.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Self respect comes with boundaries. When you start talking about self respect, you're talking about boundaries. Self respect, like, I'm important and I should be at the dinner table as well, and you cannot start dinner without me. So this is also your self respecting and then also you're drawing boundaries, you know You don't need to start dinner with me and you're actually telling others, I'm important, okay. So it's not that like you're saying it but you're doing it with actions. Self respect is also comes in when someone's, especially with spouses, when husband says something or when mother in law say something and then, I have to be quiet. I can't really answer her back. Yes, that's a good thing. But then at the same time, you cannot let them be over on you and run over you or whatever word you want to use here. The thing is that, this is who I am, and this is what I like and what I dislike. And I can convey to the other person, this is what I like and what I dislike. And that person should be respecting my likes and dislikes, because I have respect as well. What in our culture is, I don't know Western cultures doesn't have it but the culture like Muslim cultures a lot of time like it happens especially when people are living in joined families you know you're not being given that much respect as you should be getting it. And if you talk back, then you are counted as, she is so arrogant that she's talking, or you've got so much ego in yourself. So there's a difference between an ego and self respect. Yes, you cannot talk back, like you cannot talk to me like this. And then you're drawing boundaries over there because you have self respect as well. And then you have to let the other person know, you're so sorry you cannot talk to me like this. I don't know how to explain it to you, but I think drawing boundaries will actually help us keep our self respect. And even before respecting ourselves, you have to be aware of yourself aware of your position, if you're a wife. You have the rights, you have this, in Arabic, this is your Haq. you have that. You have to have that right as a respect. Respect or you say issa, in Arabic, you say it. Issa is mean. Like you give the position or the place to person which that person deserves. So as a wife you deserve this position, you should be respected as you deserve. So, the husband cannot talk loudly or these are the things that they should be respected. So when you accept your self respect, you cannot be disrespected, and that's the first person you should be respected. You're respecting yourself. And then the other person will start respecting because you'll start growing boundaries. And we will all do, I'll also ask a question that if I tell my husband or my mother in law, don't talk like this, that will be a big issue. We have it.

Mifrah Mahroof:

But that was, the next question I was thinking. Just read my mind.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah, so I didn't say like, you cannot say, oh, you can't really talk to me like this, and I would say you're so arrogant. Like, how can you say this? I would say, you have to be smart enough. You smart enough in a sense, like, Okay. You cannot say you don't say that if your husband is loud at you, don't say don't talk to me like this, because if he's angry and you're angry as well, and you can imagine what blast

Mifrah Mahroof:

can happen yeah. True. Strategy, time and place.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah. So you have to be smart in a strategy. So you have to be strategized.

Mifrah Mahroof:

I agree, because I have done, I have said so many things, I have asked my husband so many things at the wrong time, and I

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Uh, there must be a big

Mifrah Mahroof:

expect? I was like, no, no, Mifrah, what are you thinking? Is this the right time to talk about something? He's like, no, wait until everything is calm and good, and then I sit down and say, hey, what about X, Y, Z? So, okay, it's a, strategy is very important, I agree.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

that's right. And also you have to make relationship with the spouses. If your husband is angry and he's very loud, so you have to sit back, okay, yep, alright, okay, and then after that You can tell your husband, okay, look, whatever you said, that was not right. Or this was a case and you thought you took it differently or whatever, give the explanation later, but not at that time because

Mifrah Mahroof:

the moment.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

yeah, not at that time, at the heat of the moment, because that's going to not give you good results. And, similarly,

Mifrah Mahroof:

The mother in law example you were saying?

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

red line. Yeah, I have good relations with mother in law. It's very difficult. Yeah, some people have, like, whoever are they're living with, a joint family. Or not even joint family, like, you go and visit your mother in law on Sundays or something like, something happened. When you respect the other person, there are so many cases that vary, but if you start talking about it, that will be another chapter, I would say, but respect the elders, and if she's not good enough at that time, I would say instead of, returning back the answer or answering them at the same time, stay quiet. And, because sometimes it wouldn't help if you say, Oh no, this wasn't the case, or I don't like it the way you talk to me. And then, you start building up good relationship with that person. You have to be smart enough. You have to be smart. And I remember like once I was at the airport, that was long time back. And at that time it was like, and not everything was computerized. Now you just scan it and then go out. At that time, there was a passport of, and that was not in Australia, somewhere else, and passport officer, he had to check everyone's passport and he had to stamp it. So it was a big line, the big queue was there. So one of the lady, she stood there and she kept on fighting with her, no, you didn't do this and you didn't write. And then the passport officer was also not doing it. It was angry and the second lady came and she was just smiling and then she was like, Oh yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. That's good. Sorry. It was my mistake. And then, she was done and she had her work done.

Mifrah Mahroof:

True.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

I was just watching both of the cases. I was like the first lady, she's because the passport officer was not in a good mood. So she stood by and she fought for herself. But the other one was smart enough and there was no point in fighting here she was a smiling and you know easily slipped out.

Mifrah Mahroof:

it sounds like, build the relationship first, establish that first before you assert your boundaries and start, pretty much that. Like, asserting your boundaries would be a secondary thing. You need to first build that relationship in order for you to, be taken in the right way. Because I think when this whole thing about, you're trying to assert your boundaries and stuff, if you haven't built a relationship, they're going to take you in another way and then you're not going to get what you wanted to from the start.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

that's right. Yeah. If you do it from the very start, then they will have the impression that, she doesn't take any easy or she's not an easy person or whatever. But if you keep on building relationship, and I think the listening skills really, really help a lot in building relationship

Mifrah Mahroof:

Tell me more about that. What do you mean by listening skills?

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Listening skills, when you're listening to me, you're listening to understand rather than listening to hear. So there are two different things, when somebody's talking to you, you say, Oh, yes. So, you're not trying to understand. When you're trying to understand that person, then you can ask the question, okay, then, well, what do you think about it or what happened? Why did it happen? Right? So you will be in the conversation, but when you're listening to hear, then the other person would easily understand that you're not there for

Mifrah Mahroof:

her. You're not really there. yeah.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

be in your cell phone. Oh yeah. I'm listening to you. Just like, you know, we are cooking and the kids are coming and telling us, and the kids would tell you, Mama, you're not listening to me. And so I'm listening to you. I'm cooking, but I can't really look at you. So what is the Sunnah way of saying? Prophet SAW used to, turn their face to the other person, listen to the other person, whatever he's saying, and then, turn back. But, this is how you should be doing it as well. And when you're listening to the other person, that's called empathetic listening. Empathetic listening means like, how you empathize with that person. Oh, oh, that really that happened. Oh, I'm so sorry that happened for you. sometimes when we jump onto conclusion as well, before the other person like finishes her whole story, we come into conclusion. That is one thing. And the other thing that we do is, We start telling our own story. For example, you start telling me about an experience you had at the supermarket. And then half the story, I would say, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This happened with me as well. The other day I was there. And you don't know how this person acted or behaved or whatever. So, you don't need to do that. So don't give your opinions. Once it happened with me, my son was telling me something and he was saying, I was talking to this friend and then this is how, what I told him. So I was watching the shows and then I stopped and said, you know what? You should tell him this, this, this, this as well. And he just looked at my face and said, you know what? I'm only telling you. I'm not asking you for your advice. I said, okay, I'm sorry

Mifrah Mahroof:

kids tell it as it is, right? When we're adults, we start thinking that. We don't, we don't say it anymore. So, I'm

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

not asking for your advice, yeah, they don't need your advice all the time. So, when you have a good listening skill, when you empathize with them, you say, okay, this, I know how you feel, no, this is how bad you feel, so what are you going to do? Okay, don't ask a lot of questions, but then, make the other person feel that you have listened to it. One other thing is rephrasing at the end. So you think that this, this, this happened and this is what you're going to do? Okay, so your friend has told you this and you don't like it? And you want to act some other way? Or you don't want to meet him anymore? This is what you think? so you summarize it, you rephrase it, so the other person would understand that you have listened to. And I think sometimes it's really important in our conversation to rephrase it, because then you get to know that you and the other person are on the same page, or sometimes this is miscommunication. For example, someone's like your husband is saying something to you, can you get me this, this, this, so you can rephrase it. Okay. So you want me to go to the office works and collect this thing and then come back home. This is what you want me to do that. Okay. I'll do it. Right. So when you rephrase it, the communication becomes clearer.

Mifrah Mahroof:

100 percent yeah, and then it stops any miscommunications. Yeah, miscommunication is what causes a lot of conflict as well.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yes, that's right. Causes a lot of conflict. So communication has to be clear in relationships. So if we talk about self respect, we talk about boundaries before that, you have to build up a relationship with people. So relationship builds up. Yeah. So relationship building is so important. It's so important. And then be smart.

Mifrah Mahroof:

It seems like the fundamental, aspect of building a relationship is being that good listener and listening with understanding and empathy. And that way you can be able to connect with that person and then they would be more receptive at that point to listen to you as well. And that's when we can really build that strong relationship and build that trust with the people around us so that when we are coming to the point of asserting our boundaries, they would know that. Okay, she's not just telling me this to cause a fight or be difficult, like this is her boundaries and they would respect that as the way as you respected them. So that's an interesting way to put it and it's amazing how all of these things really come back to our own skills, like all of these, our own skills of self esteem, self respect, listening, it all comes down to us. It's very rarely, about the other person. It's not, it's, there's so much power we have.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Oh yeah. So much power that We have. SubhanAllah.

Mifrah Mahroof:

and we give our power away to like situations, people and all of these things. It's like that story you mentioned earlier, like how that lady's walking down the market, why is everyone frowning at me? And she's just given her power away to everyone in the market.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

That's so true. And then, I'm feeling bad because he talked to me like that, or I'm feeling because of the situation, of the circumstances. So you have to control your own emotions and feelings as well at the same time. So this is who I am. So, control yourself. As you said, like everyone, everything comes back to us, how skilled or how strong we are. So when we have a balance in our approaches, so then we will be very focused in what we want to do.

Mifrah Mahroof:

and the more work we do on ourselves, our mindset, our growth, then we can better be equipped to deal with all these things at the end.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah, that's right. And I think everything goes back to, If someone wants to be stronger in relationships, if someone wants to be stronger in their clock, they should be going deeper down into the Seerah of the Prophet SAW.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm,

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

So Prophet Muhammad SAW's Seerah is actually amazing, and you have to contemplate a lot. How his wives dealt with them, how he dealt with all of them, how did they kept their dignity or their self-respect. His wife Aisha RA, she was only 18 when Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam died. And I think she was 80 years old when she passed away. So at that time, Subhanallah, she lived for such a long time with dignity, with a self respect. And she would never give away their self respect. so I think going deeper into the Seerah, and studying their life. How did they live? they never had easy lives, and I think that Seerah is the backbone of our deen. If you want to learn, or if you want to have a balanced personality, you should be studying Seerah in very, contemplating it. This is what the point is that I want to have it, go deeper.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Some of the questions that I ask our guess, at the end of the show is what's one book that's helped you level up in your life? So you're mentioning Serrah. Is there a particular version of the Serrah that really resonates with you a lot?

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

yeah, the sealed nectar, that's very much in detail. And then you have the Seerah of the Khulafah Rashidin. I can't really remember the name of the writer, but you can get those books in Daarus Salaam. So it's amazing, Seerah, of Abu Bakar, Umar RA, all those like, you know, um, all the Khulafaur Rasyidin and then, you can listen to podcast. Dr. Rania Awaad wa she had like beautiful podcast on, Khadija RA, the Life of khadija, that's really interesting. She talks about from the psychological perspective as well. So how she was so strong and how she was so rich, she was a working woman, she was running her own business. So she had so many aspects of life that we can look into it. And that's a learning lesson for us.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Please do share that link and InshaAllah we'll add it on to our show notes so that listeners can also check that out as well. That sounds

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

I'll do that.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Okay, we're actually close to the ending of our interview, so I would love to know how our audience can reach out and connect with you and learn more about what you're doing.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

So I'll leave my Instagram page and my website, inshaAllah. So anyone can reach out. And then they can talk about it if they have, if they're passing through any, challenging issues in their life or they want to grow as a Muslim and want to do something for the ummah, I think they should, and I think every woman should be thinking like that, as mothers. This is how I see myself, we are the role models for our kids. So this is how moms should be looking at themselves like strong and moving ahead. Yeah. So you're very welcome to connect with me, InshaAllah.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Look, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for coming on today.

Sumaiya Siddiqui:

Yeah. Jazakallah Khair, lovely to be here.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hey everyone, that wraps up another episode of the Muslim Life Hackers podcast. I really hope you enjoyed our chat today and got some great takeaways from it. If you like what you heard and don't want to miss out on our next conversations, hit that subscribe button. It really means a lot to us and helps us grow the show. And you know what? If you're feeling extra generous today, drop us a review or a rating. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you again for tuning in until next time, keep striving and getting better every day.

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Mifrah Mahroof

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