Muslim Life Hackers

Shehzad Hanif: The Psychology Behind Finding a Spouse

• Mifrah M • Episode 14

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In this episode, Shehzad Hanif joins the show to discuss the challenges single Muslims face in finding a partner. He explore how subconscious beliefs and childhood experiences can hinder the marriage search. The conversation delves into the importance of self-worth, positive self-talk, and making meaningful duas.

Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
01:02 Challenges in Finding a Suitable Partner
04:16 The Role of Childhood
09:39 Understanding Subconscious Influences
15:47 Healing Childhood Wounds
22:16 Understanding Allah's Love
24:25 Self-Love
28:14 The Impact of Parental Relationships
33:30 The Power of Positive Affirmations
38:14 Gratitude and Positive Self-Talk

About Shehzad Hanif:
Guidance Coaching founder Shehzad Hanif is a certified Muslim Life Coach. He has helped Muslims all over the world Find their Soulmate Effortlessly. using his unique 4 step LOVE formula ❤️

Connect with Shehzad Hanif:

Resources Mentioned:
Unleash the Power Within by Tony Robbins


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🏖️ This episode is sponsored by Sisters Explore, a company I founded to offer guided small-group travel for Muslim women to connect, explore, and enjoy faith-centered journeys. Learn more at http://www.sisters-explore.com

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Shehzad Hanif:

What I've actually realized, is that it's not really the tactics, I would say 80% is the psychology of the person who's seeking to get married and 20% is the actual tactics, the DMs, the profile, which apps you're on.

Mifrah Mahroof:

​Asalamu alaikum and welcome to the Muslim Life Hackers podcast. I'm your host, Mifrah Mahroof, and I'm here with today's episode. So if you're a single that's looking to get married, Then this episode is for you. joining me today is Shehzad Hanif, a certified Muslim life coach and the founder of Guidance Coaching. He has helped Muslims all over the world find their soulmate effortlessly using his four step love formula. So I hope you enjoy this interview and let's get started. Assalamu Alaikum. Welcome to the show.

Shehzad Hanif:

Wa'alaykumu salamu waraḥmatullah, thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Well, I am looking forward to this interview. I want to start off by just opening up a can of worms, because I think even discussing this is like opening up a can of worms. So the issue that we have is you have brothers who are like, they're good guys, they're praying, they're working, they're in a position to get married. And then you also have the practicing sister, she's ready to get married. But the thing is, both of them feel like, Hey, I can't find anyone suitable. Is there something wrong with me or is it that there are just no good people out there? But the funny thing is they're both having that same thing, same problem, the brother, the sister. So what's happening really? I'm curious to know as, asking an expert like yourself, who works in this space, help us unravel this.

Shehzad Hanif:

Jazakallah khair. Thank you, Sister Mifrah. It's a pleasure to be on your podcast. And this is really a topic. It's need of our time. I really feel it's like the need of our ummah right now, like Muslim marriages, whether people are, going through the marriage search process, or whether they're actually married and trying to get through that first, like initial phase, the first year of the first three years, there's so many challenges. I just feel like there is a lot of things going on at a subconscious level which we're not necessarily, privy to. We're thinking that the problem is with the brothers. So from a sister's perspective, the sister thinks the problem is with the brothers. It's just no good quality brothers out there. The brothers on the other hand, they're thinking like, where's all the good sisters, it's like they're looking for a certain type of man and this is not fair. And so there's a lot of frustration around this whole process of trying to find our spouse. And, I've done some work with some real experts in this field, people like Hafz Al-Din and I've learned a lot around tactics in terms of how to design a good marriage profile, what should be the quality of the conversations you have. But what I've actually realized, and it's been a fascinating for me in terms of my own understanding of my own journey, is that it's not really the tactics, if I was to quantify. The success of our marriage search into percentages. I would say 80% is the psychology of the person, the brother or the sister who's seeking to get married and 20% is the actual tactics, the DMs, the profile, which apps you're on. I don't have data to back that up. It's just very much kind of personal experience in terms of the businesses that I've worked with. I find again and again, that it's the psychology, it's the psychology of the person which is determining a lot of the negative emotions that are attached to the whole job search, or not job search. but obviously the whole, kind

Mifrah Mahroof:

kind of like a job search, right?

Shehzad Hanif:

Yeah, actually, that's true. There is, a lot of parallels and actually the reason I mention job search is because I use that as an example,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Oh, really?

Shehzad Hanif:

like, yeah, to kind of try and get the point home in terms of why people are finding it so difficult to get married. There's a lot of parallels between, the marriage search and the job search. It's a really interesting area. It's been fascinating for me. I've discovered so much and one thing I've realized is that it's not the outward, it's not the external. it's more the intern and What's going on? um, at the very conscious, but not so much conscious as subconscious level.

Mifrah Mahroof:

So what is going on?

Shehzad Hanif:

So it's a lot of it is, it comes down to childhood, in terms of the experience that I've had. But there's a lot of good brothers and sisters out there, MashaAllah, God fearing, practicing, brothers and sisters. Let's take, brothers, for example. Now, I find that a lot of brothers who are finding it hard to get married. They had an upbringing where, I call it the three C's, in their childhood, they experienced criticism. They experienced, to some extent, a particular parent being very critical of them, being very closed towards them, being very controlling towards them. And then what has happened is that at a subconscious level, They have built this kind of opinion of themselves about themselves. That they're not worthy of love. And like I said, all of this is happening at a very subconscious level. if I would say what is the one reason why brothers are finding it hard to get married, and sisters as well, to be honest, the reasons are very similar. I guess for brothers, it's more to do with their kind of masculine energy, and in terms of the reason why sisters are not getting married, it's to some extent to do with, their femininity and how that, causes depolarization in terms of the two energies, um, which is getting a little bit deep, but I don't want to go too deep into kind of, polarization and things like that. I just wanna at a very high level, Um, Get the point across that our childhood dictates so much of what happens in our outer world, when I say outer world, I mean the marriage, search that if you're married, then the quality of that marriage, sometimes, our mindset around money and finance, whether we feel it's something which is a good thing, a positive thing, or have we been programmed from a young age to feel like it's a bad thing. I myself, went through my early years, did develop some negative, emotions around, the opposite gender, and because of certain experiences that I had, and for example, we know, in our communities, narcissism is a big thing.

Mifrah Mahroof:

yeah,

Shehzad Hanif:

It's a label which we hear so much now, and many children have experienced that growing up, that they may have had a particular parent, for example, who was quite, very narcissistic in the way they actually raised their child. And that does have a profound effect on every area of our life. Obviously we're talking today about the marriage search and why muslim singles are finding it so hard to get married. The divorce rate in the U. S., I read somewhere, it's close to 50%

Mifrah Mahroof:

something crazy high, right?

Shehzad Hanif:

you know, that's absurd, right? We're, kind of competing, like, toe to toe with, the mainstream now, in terms of, divorce rates. And in the U. K., where I reside it's similar, last time I checked, it was around maybe mid 40s, 45 percent, something like that. So, it's a concern, but I think my message is, maybe slightly different to a lot of the kind of marriage coaches or the singles coaches out there who tend to put a lot of emphasis on the tactical aspect of it. And what I'm saying is that all that stuff is relevant, don't get me wrong, which apps you're on, what kind of conversations are you having, what tactics are you using, how are you getting your face out there, the DMs, the marriage profile, all those things are important. But actually, it comes down to, I find, People just not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy. And, if we look at our relationship with Allah, which is really the core essence of everything for us as Muslims, Allah is integral in our life and in our marriage search as well. But many of us have grown up feeling unworthy of Allah's love, no feeling that, he really loves us, and if you don't feel that Allah loves you and you're worthy of his love and his forgiveness and his mercy, it then makes it very hard for you to be able to reciprocate that love with others, to be able to receive it from others, to be able to give it to others. And it's fascinating. I really have found this has been such an epiphany for me. Every time when I'm on a session with a brother or sister, and I must say that I find this is more prevalent with sisters, more so than brothers,

Mifrah Mahroof:

hmm,

Shehzad Hanif:

that when we talk about their relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and, we talk about, the fact that Allah loves them, and they're worthy of His love, and His compassion and His mercy, and there is a feeling of not being good enough, of not being worthy, and It just ceases to amaze me how often that becomes very apparent early on in the discussion that there is a lot of, um, unhealed, um, not necessarily always trauma, but there's some healing work that needs to be done based on their upbringing, based on their childhood. So for the brothers, like I mentioned the three C's, they would have experienced, to some extent, in some way, shape or form, some aspects of criticism, control, a particular parent may be enclosed towards them. Then that, what that does is subconsciously that makes you feel like you're not good enough. You're not worthy. Something's wrong with you. And you tend to attract, you tend to attract people who treat you in that way. And we feel like, why do I always get, attracted to someone who doesn't respect me for the person that I am. you know, it is not respecting me as an individual. or maybe is judging, and a lot of this is happening, like I said, it's playing out at a very subconscious level because we are accustomed to being treated in a certain way.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

Our subconscious mind attracts people, attracts that type of behavior into our life. So it's very normal for sisters, for example, if they had, a parent who was very critical of them,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

let's say they had a father who wasn't really present for them, sisters tend to, generally have quite a strong, attachment with fathers, or a need to have that role of a protector and a provider in their lives. And if they didn't have that while they were growing up and, maybe he wasn't present or maybe he was quite critical, quite dismissive at a subconscious level, then when they go into the whole, um, into the big wide world and, they're having these conversations with people who could potentially be their soulmate or their spouse in the future, they find that they attract people who are quite, they're not present. They ghost them in the DMs. That they'll not get back, they'll be if there's someone that they feel that could be marriage material, they actually find during the courting process that, oh, actually this person is like, actually quite rude and quite disrespectful. And it's actually just a reenactment of a lot of experiences they had in their childhood. And for me, this has just been fascinating, because When I got involved in coaching with, like singles coaching and even with the marital coaching I was focusing so much on the tactics the quality of the conversations, you know that all of those

Mifrah Mahroof:

that's what we,

Shehzad Hanif:

the external Yeah

Mifrah Mahroof:

In the mainstream. That's crazy. That's actually a really interesting point, how you mentioned that our subconscious is what's going to be attracting these things. And I had a conversation with one of my friends recently. She's single, she's in her thirties and then she's a really good sister, MashaAllah, and she's telling me, why do I attract, men that are not like that are interested in providing, or they just want to, because like she's working, And they just want to take advantage of her. And that's the kind of men that she keeps attracting. She doesn't understand why. Does that also play a part as well? The subconscious?

Shehzad Hanif:

Absolutely. I mean obviously I don't know the specific sister's case, but based on my experience, I would guess You know that there is a strong chance that, there was in her childhood, there was maybe a particular parent. Who wasn't present for her, who wasn't there, many of the sisters just, they do crave that. They do crave that attention from a father, who will make them feel like a princess and will give them, that love and that attention to make them feel good enough, to make them feel worthy. Love from a father, for example, makes it much, much easier for them to attract the right person into their life. So with sisters, for example, what I've found, I refer a lot to the three U's, so for the brothers it was the three C's, for the sisters it's the three U's. So a lot of sisters have grown up feeling, unsafe,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

uh, not feeling understood,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

and also feeling unheard. So unheard, unsafe, and not understood,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Interesting.

Shehzad Hanif:

and once again, a lot of that stems from a relationship they may have had of their youth, uncomfortable relationship with their mother, for example, and this is not, what I don't want to do here is, cause fights in people's homes and, you

Mifrah Mahroof:

course.

Shehzad Hanif:

and sisters now going back to their mums and dads and saying, oh, you're the cause of this, not

Mifrah Mahroof:

Of course.

Shehzad Hanif:

the, yeah, that's not the purpose here. We don't, no blame attached to our parents, okay, I just want to clarify that. They are, They are just really, They they They They were raised in in a way which, caused them to behave in a certain way. So these are actual, generational patterns of behavior. These are being passed down generation to generation. So the beauty of this work that I do with my classes is that what we can do actually is say, write. We're going to be the ones that are going to put a stop to this, so that our children don't repeat the same generational patterns of behavior, some people refer to them as trauma bonds. Sister Mifrah, this is such a fascinating area. It's,

Mifrah Mahroof:

It is.

Shehzad Hanif:

just can't, I can't emphasize how blown away I've been with this work. Like, Every time, when I have these conversations, when I ask a brother or sister, whose love did you crave more? which parents love and attention did you crave more? more often than not, they will identify that they crave the love and attention of a particular parent. And those emotions and experiences that they felt are just being repeated in their marriage search. They're attracting the same person, the same behavioral patterns are prevalent and are very apparent. So as I mentioned for sisters, there's a lot of, things that need to be unpacked around them not feeling understood, feeling unsafe. Now just imagine now if you grew up not feeling safe, not feeling understood. Not, feeling like your voice is not heard,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

and then you attract someone like that, into, in terms of, it's going to cause problems. You're going to find it hard to get married. If you do find someone, it's going to be a lot of challenges in that marriage because at a subconscious level, you're attracting that behavior from the other person. And now then just imagine if the brother, Has also had some of these challenges, he was controlled and he was criticized and then these two energies come together in a marriage and then what do we do? We go to counsellors, we go to coaches and we're working on, oh, attachment theory and communication and we're working on all this tactical stuff and yet the problem is, it's happening at a subconscious level, it's so much more deeper than that.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

Like I said, I don't want to criticize coaches and counsellors and, Therapists out there, they're doing great work, the tactical aspect of it is really important, but there needs to be more emphasis on Childhood, I always say to brothers and sisters, so I something I've started doing recently here in my local community and One recent event one of the brothers asked, What was the number one reason for success? In one's marriage search. I said if you can find someone who has not had a chaotic childhood, that is a good sign that InshaAllah you'll have a happy marriage. That person is a good candidate for being your soul mate. that doesn't mean that if you had a chaotic childhood, if there was some, if you did crave the attention of a particular parent, or in some extreme cases there was trauma or abuse, that doesn't mean that you can't have a happy marriage. It just means that there's some work that we need to do, there's some healing that we need to do, and, sometimes people who have been through those challenges, They end up having the most amazing marriage, you know, because of the work that they've done.

Mifrah Mahroof:

at the end, Allah SWT has, put in our path this knowledge and this help and all of these things that are out there to get help. So if once we recognize that, Hey, Yeah. I have some issues that I need to, face and deal with, then that's the first step. And acknowledging is really the first step to be able to get the right, help and everything. And yeah, I could completely agree with you. Like, it's not about blaming our parents or something. It's just acknowledging it. Okay. This is how it was like, that's it. Now, what can I do about it? it's very interesting that you're speaking about this area of like Childhood and how that has an effect. I completely agree, it's not to say that the tactics don't have a place, but I feel like the conversation has to be balanced out. And by hearing things like from coaches like you, and also hearing tactics from other coaches as well, it kind of balances out that conversation. So the person who is looking to get married knows that, Hey, if I have done the best I can with tactics, then maybe I should also look at another strategy. Like what else am I missing? And this subconscious work is so important. And, I started getting into this myself, just like this year, like I found out about it and I was like, I found out how it really affects me in very subtle ways. And this is coming from myself. I'm being someone who's like being in the personal growth space for many years. Right. All very tactical. I never really tapped into this part of the unconscious as deeply as I did this year. And I was like, my gosh, I have a lot of things happening that I never really understood you know, and it's not just marriage, it gets in the way of like different things in your life. Like, you were saying, like job, business, all of these different things. I guess it's so important to address it. And that brings me to my next question, really. So if you've seen that you're having these, you have to start digging into fixing and healing these childhood wounds. Would you also can consider it as that? Then, what's the next step? what do you do about it? Like, how do you find help?

Shehzad Hanif:

Step number one is acknowledging it, like you said.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

Acknowledging that, yes, this could well be the cause for whatever predicament I'm in. This could be the fundamental reason why I'm struggling to get married, for example.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah. Okay.

Shehzad Hanif:

So once we acknowledge it, then, I think step two is really accepting as well, because acknowledgement and acceptance aren't necessarily the same thing,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah. True. Right. You can be in

Shehzad Hanif:

because You could, Yeah. exactly, you could acknowledge it, but then that could cause a lot of resentment, as I mentioned earlier, like we don't want to be blaming our parents.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

more than likely, that they were raised by parents who, maybe didn't necessarily give them those, ingredients that they needed for a happy, flourishing childhood, that there were certain aspects of them that were missing, and likewise, their parents parents, maybe were, or maybe a particular parent was quite controlling because their parent was controlling, it's just a chain, so we've got to accept that, this is possible. This has happened and this is a chance for me to redress the balance and for me to actually, put a stop to this, and make sure that it doesn't get passed down. So it's actually something which is an opportunity to be a means for change. And this is excellent. And then, you could end up doing, what I've been doing is I say, hang on a minute, I want to, take this further. I want to help others. so that, the things that I've learnt,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah,

Shehzad Hanif:

can be passed on. I'm not saying everybody out there has to become a coach,

Mifrah Mahroof:

of course.

Shehzad Hanif:

or therapist, or counsellor, but there is people we could help around us. this is the mindset we need to have, that acknowledge it, accept it, and then let's go on to now the implementation aspect of it, in terms of the how. So, we've now identified the what, what's really going on

Mifrah Mahroof:

that's true. Mm-Hmm

Shehzad Hanif:

and which, in a nutshell, it's about us not feeling good enough. It's just simple. It really is as simple as that. We grew up, many of us not feeling enough. I can't put it in much simpler words than that. Um, yes, we could go into subconscious mind and how it works and feminine and masculine energy, but that would make things a lot more, make it sound a lot more complicated than what it really is. Ultimately we just grew up having some feelings of unworthiness. Just not being enough. So once now we've identified that, then the next step really is like, okay, so then how do we actually change this? And I think that's where the role of, you know, counselor or therapist and some counselors and therapists and coaches are better than others. You just have to find someone who's a good match for you. A lot of sisters will reach out to brothers because it helps them to understand how men are thinking. So most of the clients that reach out to me are sisters. and that's fine. it's not necessarily, I didn't kind of strategically plan it for it to happen that way. But I feel like it just gives them a brother's perspective. and, Alhamdulillah, as long as I can be of service, that's fine. But, in terms of the actual implementation aspect of it, it really is not difficult, we don't have to do, like, things that we feel uncomfortable doing, or things that we're not used to doing. For example, I put in my work, I put a lot of emphasis on repetition, because repetition is a key to learning. The mind, whether it's the conscious mind, the subconscious mind, it learns through repetition. So what I try to get brothers and sisters to do is because we're Muslim, because we believe in Allah, we have some common values. We have this belief system. So I just utilized that, I said, okay, let's spend five minutes a day just talking to Allah SWT. And people do this already, you know, they read Quran, they do adhkar, they do dhikr. So I just say, just add this component to your recitations or your daily, spiritual tool kit, if you want to call it that. And just spend five minutes in front of the mirror, or with a journal, and just talk about your relationship with Allah. You know, at the top, just, if you always want a mind map, just in the middle, have like, Allah loves me. All right. And now focus because I'm repeating again and again, Allah loves me, then that makes it easier for me to have a very loving relationship with Allah as opposed to what most of us have is a very fearful relationship. I certainly did. I

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

had a lot of negative emotions around my relationship with Allah SWT. You could be praying five times. You could be praying Tahajjud

Mifrah Mahroof:

Mm.

Shehzad Hanif:

yet, you don't really feel worthy of Allah's forgiveness. Okay. You feel, you know, that because of certain situations maybe many of us, had some things in our past life which we're not proud of.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah, there's a sense of hopelessness, right?

Shehzad Hanif:

hopelessness, maybe due to sins or maybe like, for example, reverts, had a very Challenging kind of life, and when they find Allah, they find the light, it can be quite, it can be some flashbacks and some challenges, for them in terms of trying to actually, let go of those emotions and those, reminders from their past which they're not proud of. So, we have to be happy, let go of those negative emotions. we hear this from our teachers, they say that Allah loves us. It's mentioned in the narrations, Allah loves us 70 times more than our own mother.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Subhanallah.

Shehzad Hanif:

So, the way I try to use that in some of the coaching sessions, I say, well, If Allah loves us 70 times more than our own mother, should we not love ourselves a little bit? maybe like one iota of that love, an atom of love for ourself, why not? And when I say that, you can tell, there's this silence, it's just like this aha moment, it's like, yeah, that's true. There was one sister, I'll never forget, we were having this conversation, at the end of my sessions, What I tend to do is I get, try to inculcate some self love, so I get them to give themselves a high five. I say, just say, Alhamdulillah, I'm awesome. the sister, she just went quiet, and she said, no, I would never say that.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah,

Shehzad Hanif:

I just smiled, and I said, why would you say that you're awesome? she just replied, oh no, I just, I don't feel comfortable. Saying that it doesn't seem appropriate and so I had to actually explain, I said, look, this is Allah's plan for us. He loves us more than our own mothers, 70 times more than our mothers. And just imagine how much pain and how much trouble and how much difficulty they went through, endured, to bring us into this life and then to raise us and take care of us. The sleepless nights they endured when we were not feeling well, we could never, if we had to work out how much they spent on us financially, we can never repay them, right? So surely we can, we can show some love for ourselves. I find this is such a big problem in our community. Like, self love is a massive issue.

Mifrah Mahroof:

hmm,

Shehzad Hanif:

So in the end, she just said, No, that's true. And she then, she kind of said, OK, Alhamdulillah, I'm Muslim.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Alhamdulillah,

Shehzad Hanif:

you know, that was really nice. But it's a recurring theme. It's a recurring pattern.

Mifrah Mahroof:

hmm,

Shehzad Hanif:

is this very negative, some negative emotions. around our relationship with Allah SWT, which does impinge on and, has a direct impact on this area of, marriages. And, I really find repetition, as I mentioned, is key here, you know, when we tell what Allah SWT,

Mifrah Mahroof:

thing about how reminders benefit a believer. So by repeating that reminder, it benefits us, right? even like that, how you mentioned how Allah's love is 70 times greater than a mother's love. And like, when I used to hear that before I became a mother, it was very theoretical, right? But then after I gave birth to my daughter, which was very recently, I never understood how much love I can hold in my heart. Like it's something that you feel after you become a mother. And to know that Allah SWT has loves us even more, 70 times more. It's like my heart feels like it's like bursting with love. And I've never experienced that in my life, except after I had my own child. So, and now that hadith, actually, like these teachings from our Deen, I feel it in a different way. Having experienced that as the mother, SubhanAllah, It's very powerful, right? So I guess from what it sounds like, of all of this inner work and stuff, so it seems like you can't just get married and it solves these problems.

Shehzad Hanif:

I mean, unfortunately, yeah, there is some work that we need to do.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

Yes, some people can get married and then they can work out, certain differences, they can reconcile certain situations, but it's just a lot more easier to do this work,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

doors, it's so much easier. I've struggled in this. I'm speaking personally now, I struggle so much in this area and my why in terms of why I do this work is I just don't want, my community, I don't want our brothers and sisters to have to go through this. problems, I grew up, like really craving my father's attention, this is like, this work that I'm doing, I'm the proof is in the pudding for me, because I can resonate to it because of my own journey, all I really wanted was, for him to look me in the eye and say, Shehzad, my son, I'm proud of you, and I still remember when I was a kid, I did this essay in English and I got a really good mark for it

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

he was having a shave in the bathroom and I went up to him and, I said, Dad, Dad, look, I got this grade and, bless him, he was getting ready for work and, obviously he's just, he just didn't really kind of give much, much of a response.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

But, I still remember that to this day so vividly, and what I didn't realize, until very recently in my life was that how experiences like that impact us at a very subconscious level. And now I realize that incidents like that help to form emotions around lack of self worth, that I wasn't worthy. And I took that into my deen as well, so when I started practicing my religion, the feelings of lack of self worth, not being worthy of Allah's forgiveness, were very prevalent. but now, I like to spend some time in my day, thanking Allah, telling myself that, Alhamdulillah, Allah loves me, and because Allah loves me, I find it easy to give love and receive love from others. I like to tell myself that, I'm worthy of Allah's forgiveness because I'm worthy of Allah's forgiveness. I find it easy to forgive others, and others find it easy to forgive me, and when I repeat these things, sometimes I'll even look at myself in the mirror, and just praise Allah, and some people might find that a bit woo woo, it's not, personally, I just treat it as a form of Ibadah, it's worship for me, when I praise my Creator, and there's different ways of doing it. some people like to write, some people like to affirm things verbally, some people like to visualize and just sit there, after their prayer and just think about the blessings, that Allah has bestowed them with, whatever works for the individual. But I found,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

in terms of how to help people overcome these challenges, I use a very holistic approach. So we focus on mind, body, soul, where with the mind we're focusing on. What you're thinking about in terms of your relationship with Allah, what you say, just using all your faculties, what you're hearing, what you're seeing, and trying to put a very positive outlook on. those interpretations that we have, in terms of the body aspect, we'd really look into people's, that's more the tactics.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah. Getting into tactics. Hmm. exercise,

Shehzad Hanif:

nutrition,

Mifrah Mahroof:

sleep,

Shehzad Hanif:

uh, because these things have an impact on our well being, general well being, and then soul, we look at like the quality of our duas, I used to always, be asking for forgiveness, and don't get me wrong, that's a great thing, yeah. But what about shukr? What about actually starting your du'a with saying Oh Allah I love you, Oh Allah I really love you, I really love you. Oh Allah you've forgiven me so much, you've given me family, you're allowing me to repent, that in itself is a gift. And then by all means asking for forgiveness and I'm not saying that we shouldn't cry, Allah loves that, He loves us when we humble ourselves. But, the more empowering your relationship with your Creator. It's going to help you flourish in every area of your life, every area of your life. And I think that is where we need to make Allah central. So, for example, going back to the example of the mind map, in the middle you have Allah loves me. And then, you can branch out from there and say, because of that, now, I find it easier to love myself and then another aspect or another branch of that is I find it easier to give love to others, my family, my friends, my community, and then another branch is because of the fact that I now am so convinced and so sure that And I repeat every day that Allah loves me, other people find it easy to show me love. I find it easy to receive love from other people.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

And, uh, the opportunities that end this, can you see where we're going with this? marriage is just one aspect that can flourish. It opens up possibilities and opens up the floodgates for every area of our lives. So many different areas. I grew up thinking money was bad. Money didn't, I used to hear things like, money doesn't grow on trees. Rich people are greedy and deceitful and they cheat. But now I'm like, wow, Ya Allah, bless me with more, make my rizq vast. So that I can spend on your creation and take care of my family and praise you and bring people towards you, oh Allah. This is what I ask for now, whereas before I never used to include money or wealth in my du'as. It changes your life, and I feel like I'm on the beginning of a new journey. I feel like I started a new chapter, like, at this stage of my life, right? So, um,

Mifrah Mahroof:

exciting, right? Very, very exciting.

Shehzad Hanif:

it is, there's hope for everyone. Yeah,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Alhamdulillah. I think like even that whole affirmation thing, one thing that has been helping me was like, I would record it myself and listen to it while I like prepare breakfast in the morning, for example, because it reminds me of who I am. And what I want to stand for and just reminds me, cause you know, when you wake up, you can wake up quite negative or if you didn't sleep well or something. And then just hearing that again, Allah swt loves me. And all of these affirmations is like, it makes a difference. And yeah, like you were saying, sometimes for some people it sounds woo woo, but I feel that sometimes we think that sounds woo woo, But we think that, cause we haven't tried it, right? So, yeah, but I wonder though, do you find that males will find it even more harder to address this emotional component? Cause you know, us females, we talk about emotions a lot and this and that, and for you to get vulnerable like this and, say that these are the things we need to address.

Shehzad Hanif:

yeah, there is. It can be a little bit more tricky with brothers, but I think the beauty of our faith is that we all pray, right? Alhamdulillah, we all Believe in Allah SWT. We all make du'a. I use a concept called dream du'as, okay. it doesn't matter whether it's brothers or sisters, we all believe in the power of du'a. We all know that du'a is the weapon of the believer, right? all I'm saying here is, and this isn't like, nobody can really dispute this is that we just need to improve the quality of our Dua. That's all we're doing, and whether that Dua is in the form of journaling, whether it's in the form of, actually verbally saying things, whether it's listening, like yourself, which is excellent, by the way, I really recommend people do that. They actually, listen to something, some kind of audio. It's their own voice, brilliant, but some people don't feel comfortable recording themselves, listen A coach or a mentor or, you know, some, like a meditation audio doesn't necessarily have to be an Islamic one, as long as you understand it from an Islamic perspective,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

that's the main thing. There's certain audios and meditations that I listen to, they're not Muslims, but I've turned them into Dua, I've customized it, right? So, just make a du'a list, you know, make a du'a list, Oh Allah, like, let's give a couple of examples of dream du'as that brothers and sisters can make for their marriage, yeah? Oh Allah, thank you for blessing me with a beautiful spouse. Oh Allah, thank you for blessing me with my soul mate, someone who cares for me, who makes me feel safe and certain that I am with my soul mate and that this marriage is going to last. It's going to be a beautiful, eternal relationship, right, we're going to be together in this world and I'm going to have a beautiful hereafter. Now just imagine that that the, vibration that Dua is on compared to

Mifrah Mahroof:

So that du'a is coming from a perspective of you've already, Allah SWT has already granted to you and it's that level of certainty.

Shehzad Hanif:

yeah. Because that's isn't it? That's your, and Allah says to us that I deal with my servants according to the expectation of me. Right? So if we really believe he's gonna give, then that becomes like a means for to get fast tracked. You know, ultimately, you know, Allah SWT is in control of everything. Though ours are accepted when he wishes, he's the one who gives us, tawfik to make dua in the first place.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hmm.

Shehzad Hanif:

But, there are certain occasions, certain situations where du'as can be accepted by Allah SWT, like instantly, he's in control. We just need to do our bit and leave the rest to him. it's just like an athlete. They take care of their food, their nutrition. They make sure they're in great shape, we have the Olympics going on at the moment, and then the success will come from Allah. If Allah wills for them to succeed, they will, otherwise, you could be healthy. You could have the best diet and you can still get a heart attack. May Allah protect everyone. Al Fatiha. You do your bit. So we have to do our bit. Make our duas powerful with yaqeen, with certainty. Now compare that to someone who's making dua, Oh Allah, forgive me, oh Allah, you know, why am I not getting married, oh Allah

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah, I see.

Shehzad Hanif:

with my soulmate? When will I,

Mifrah Mahroof:

it doesn't sound very hopeful, that having that yaqeen in Allah SWT, that He is going to give, because you already feel like, oh, you know, I, yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

And, you know, I just feel that's missing. And, no one can disagree with the power of Dua. And I try to utilize that in the work that I do. So that both brothers and sisters

Mifrah Mahroof:

very good point. I like it. I think I need to start adding that into my affirmations list as well, about coming from a

Shehzad Hanif:

it's quite tricky,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Alhamdulillah. Allah SWT has given me, the goal that I want and everything. So that's a very powerful. Thank you so much for sharing. I think even if you were saying earlier, like this whole subconscious work, it's not just in. Marriage that it helps you in getting married. It's having a better marriage and even in different areas of your life, like you said, money and, business and all of this stuff. So very important. And, Great insights. I know that we're really close to ending off the interview and, this topic is really interesting for me as well, but I'm mindful of the time and your time here as well. So let's get to the questions that we ask all our guests. What would you say is one life hack that has improved your life?

Shehzad Hanif:

MashaAllah, so many things, if I could choose one, I would say gratitude has changed my life, obviously as Muslims, gratitude is something which is fundamental in our daily life. we pray, we give sadaqa, we have the five pillars of Islam. All of this is, related to, showing gratitude to Allah SWT. The prayer, for example, we do sujood, we rub our nose on the ground, we bow to him. that is a kind of an optimal form of gratitude, but many of us, we do it in autopilot, it's just, we're going through the motions, we're praying the salah, we're not really focusing on the meanings.

Mifrah Mahroof:

right?

Shehzad Hanif:

Yeah, I honestly, like, it took a non Muslim, so my mentor was a non Muslim, and I was in a very low point in my life, maybe five or six years ago, and, he started helping me, and I couldn't even afford a coach at that time, but he started giving me 10 15 minutes here and there on the phone, and he just taught me gratitude, honestly, and then I thought, hey, this is our, this guy is teaching

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah, I

Shehzad Hanif:

me the deen, this is

Mifrah Mahroof:

you learn from the mainstream and then you're like, Oh, this is already in our deen and you like connect it. That's what I've been finding as well. It is.

Shehzad Hanif:

know, It's helped me so much, just kind of being, don't get me wrong, I have lots of challenges in my life, it's not like everything just has disappeared and life is so wonderful, I don't want to paint that picture at all, there's a lot of challenges, but I'm better equipped to deal with them.

Mifrah Mahroof:

But you're choosing

Shehzad Hanif:

not gonna now,

Mifrah Mahroof:

good and in a better state of mind when you do that.

Shehzad Hanif:

absolutely, we all engage in, self talk. So all I'm saying here to our brothers and sisters is, why not engage in positive self talk, rather than negative self talk? so for example, if a brother or sister is having problems getting married, now, if they tell everyone that they meet, I can't get my lead. No matter what I do, I keep finding these, absolute trash, yeah? That's going to become your reality.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

You're attracting, low quality people into your life because you talk about it so much, it's become your reality. Whereas, if someone asks you, How's my research going? Alhamdulillah, it's going really well, MashaAllah, I'm meeting some really good people and I'm confident, InshaAllah, with Allah's help. I'm gonna find the right person very, very soon. it's gonna be the good, it's gonna be the right person for me, or she's gonna be my soulmate. There's, a way to engage with ourselves, and this is what I mean, if there's no one to speak to, if you don't like writing, look at the mirror and talk to yourself in a positive way.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Yeah.

Shehzad Hanif:

helps so much. Self-talk is really important.

Mifrah Mahroof:

100%. Very important. So, um, if we were to move on to the next question, what would be a book or a video, something that you watched online that has helped you level up in your life?

Shehzad Hanif:

I must admit, I'm not really a reader. I like to work with the mentors who've read the book.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Fair enough, yeah, because they help with implementation.

Shehzad Hanif:

kind of perspective, yeah, I like to work with people, and practically implement what they've learned, but Alhamdulillah, I've learned, the Quran, the Hadith of the Prophet SAW are amazing, uh, you know, guides for us. I've had some amazing mentors, from the religious aspect. I've learned from some really amazing teachers. and then I've had some really good mentors. I've benefited from, People like Tony Robbins, for example, in terms of my coaching journey, I would say books like, Unleash the Power Within, has really helped me to reinterpret some of the things that were going on in

Mifrah Mahroof:

It's a good one.

Shehzad Hanif:

things, which is a book by Tony Robbins that helped a lot. I actually came across a Tony Robbins video on YouTube once, where he transformed someone's marriage in, I think, six minutes or eight minutes or something. This is a live sort of intervention that he'd done. And when I initially saw him, I wasn't really impressed at that. This huge, giant American dude, he's effing and blinding, swearing and all sorts, and some of the terminology wasn't necessarily, very appealing from an Islamic perspective, but because of certain situations I was going on in my life, I just thought, okay, let's just hear this guy out, and see what's going on, and then I came across this video of his where he helped someone transform their marriage within eight minutes using something called human elite psychology. I kind of, Alhamdulillah, sort of incorporated that into my own, coaching as well, but from a very much on a kind of Islamic holistic perspective. But it was amazing where he used those six human needs to really under, transform that man's perception and perspective on his marriage, that was definitely for me, that was, an aha moment where I thought, ha, okay, this is something to look into because I'm going to the imams, I'm going to the scholars, I'm going to the spiritual retreats and I'm learning amazing stuff, but for some reason I'm finding it hard to practice and implement. And then coaching has been a blessing for me in my life because it's shown me how to strategically work on my mindset, and try to transform myself within. Whereas before I was thinking that things on the outside needed to change. but I've realized now that, if things are positive and if I'm right psychologically, then the outside aspects won't affect me as much I can actually change a lot of those things just through my own perceptions and my own reality. so in answer to your question, I would say many books have helped me, but I would say teachers and mentors have probably had more of a,

Mifrah Mahroof:

Of course, yeah, they're like the, You have books and then you have teachers of environmentalists because they're there to actually personalize it for you and guide you through it. So there's so much value in that and so much value in paying the money and investing in yourself because that investment will have bring back, bring so much good into your life and change generational traumas really. And change what's to come. So I think that's a very important, thing to look into. Okay. my last question is, where can our listeners find you?

Shehzad Hanif:

Yeah, absolutely. you can go to guidancecoaching.net we have some free content that you can view, you can book a free strategy session with us, where we be more than happy to help put a plan together for your marriage search. Or, for example, if you're married and you're going through some problems, we can help you put a plan together to be able to navigate some of the challenges that you're going through in the marriage, and like I said, it's about empowering the individual. We give you power back, to be able to take control of your life, take control of your marriage search, take control of what's not going right in your marriage. And the beauty of this system is that, we don't need anyone else. it's just about reinterpreting some of the events and incidents that happened in your life. we go step by step with our clients, to understand what's happened in their life, which has contributed, and how, and allow them to understand how that may have contributed to the predicament, or the challenges that they're facing now. And then we give them a blueprint, for success. And then if they wish to want to continue working with us, because it's always easier to have that accountability partner of a coach in your side, it helps to really fast track the results. But if not, like I said, we offer a free session. They can pretty much, utilize what the plan that we put together for them in that session and just go with it, and if they choose to go it alone, it's possible as well. People have had amazing results. you can email us, we're quite active on social media, on Twitter. Instagram, you'll find us, under guidance coaching 786 on Instagram and YouTube and, Facebook. so yeah, just reach out. We'll be more than happy to schedule a free strategy discovery session, with our Brothers and Sisters, InshaAllah. We'll maybe share some links with you as well, which is the part one. JazakAllah

Mifrah Mahroof:

Thank you so much, may Allah accept all the great work that you're doing. Make it heavy on your scales. And thank you so much for coming on the show. Jazakallah

Shehzad Hanif:

Khair. Thank you so much Mifrah, it's really been, a privilege. I never though All those years ago, many years ago, I listened to some of your podcasts. I never thought one day I might be a guest, so it just goes to show, right? If we work on ourselves, anything's possible. Alhamdulillah.

Mifrah Mahroof:

Hey everyone. That wraps up another episode from the Muslim Life Hackers podcast. I really hope you enjoyed our chat today. I've got some great takeaways. if you like what you heard and don't want to miss out on our next conversations, hit that subscribe button on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening to this from. It means a lot to us, and it helps us reach more people who can benefit from this show. Thank you again for tuning in. Until next time, keep striving and getting better every day.

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Mifrah Mahroof

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